In the past I’ve used the phrase ‘quasi autistic’ to describe myself because I think it fits – the black and white outlook, obsessive traits and other quirks of personality, many of which are to be found in the men of my mother’s line, made self diagnosis easy and provided some succour in the form of a condition with which to label myself. Having lived with this self imposed stamp for the best part of 20 years now breaking free of it isn’t easy, but accepting myself for who I am and seeing patterns of non-productive behaviour and trying to alter them is slowly starting to pay off.
Phrases and quotes have always fascinated me, and the rise of the quote-meme has allowed me to collect dozens (if not hundreds) over the years. I never bothered to inventory or categorise them as most were collected during times of distress, but thinking back through them the contridictory nature of many has come to amuse me.
Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about
But
Sometimes the person you want the most is the person your best off without
Love, heartbreak, depression and inspiration have been the topic du jour for most of those years, even when I was ‘happily’ engaged and ready to ‘settle down’ darkness and doubt still crowded the edges of my thoughts, feelings that undoubtedly lead to my decision to throw away my ‘happy family’ and ‘quiet life’ and embark upon the affair that has lead me to this point.
It’s the quiet times that have always troubled me, boredom leads to overthinking, hence my proclivity for distraction. Hobbies served me well, my obsessive nature leading me through a string of interests from prehistoric megaliths to blacksmithing to personal fitness, but always there has been something missing.
Now that something has a name. In the quiet moments I yearn for it, dreams and memories mingling with possibilities, and the few brief minutes that fate intertwines our paths are a balm for my tortured soul.
Distracting myself from her is difficult when she is never far from my thoughts. Loving her is like loving myself; instinctive, addictive, impossible, imperative