I had tonights post pretty much written in my head by mid-afternoon; it was to be titled ‘Reap what you Sow’ and detail how Inamorata laughed and joked with everyone but me today, something which she had chided me for on numerous occasions in the past.
But then something happened that turned my day around – as I tidied my workstation and made ready to leave I called out a goodbye to everyone, and amongst the chorus of answering voices I heard Inamorata reply, soft and clear, with none of the passive aggressive disinterest that had marked our interactions upto that point; and I must admit it made me smile.
It wasn’t until I got home that it struck me – all day long I’d been fairly miserable inside, wondering what I’d done wrong and if I should try to talk to her, and then, with just a word, she’d changed my mood.
The revalation I had had was that although I am dealing with the slow dissolution of all that we were, I’m still emotionally dependant on her.
Like an addict fighting the craving I have to take it day by day, hour by hour, occasionally even minute by minute.
It’s a long painful process to wean yourself away from a person you loved wholeheartedly (and to some extent still do), especially when you spend upto 60 hours a week with them, but today is proof positive that I’m making progress, and whilst I know I’m still weak, everyday sees me grow just a little bit stronger.