Emotional rehab

I had tonights post pretty much written in my head by mid-afternoon; it was to be titled ‘Reap what you Sow’ and detail how Inamorata laughed and joked with everyone but me today, something which she had chided me for on numerous occasions in the past.

But then something happened that turned my day around – as I tidied my workstation and made ready to leave I called out a goodbye to everyone, and amongst the chorus of answering voices I heard Inamorata reply, soft and clear, with none of the passive aggressive disinterest that had marked our interactions upto that point; and I must admit it made me smile.

It wasn’t until I got home that it struck me – all day long I’d been fairly miserable inside, wondering what I’d done wrong and if I should try to talk to her, and then, with just a word, she’d changed my mood.
The revalation I had had was that although I am dealing with the slow dissolution of all that we were, I’m still emotionally dependant on her.

Like an addict fighting the craving I have to take it day by day, hour by hour, occasionally even minute by minute.
It’s a long painful process to wean yourself away from a person you loved wholeheartedly (and to some extent still do), especially when you spend upto 60 hours a week with them, but today is proof positive that I’m making progress, and whilst I know I’m still weak, everyday sees me grow just a little bit stronger.

Pondering Poppy

After a week or so of messaging back and forth on a dating app I finally met up with Poppy for coffee today. She seems nice enough, and we could chat just as easily in person as we could by text, but I’m still not entirely sure about her. Part of me thinks she’s a great prospect – funny, light-hearted, attractive enough and with that certain something which gets my kink-attuned spider senses tingling, but at the same time there just seems to be something missing…

I’ve already got a second date with her lined up, and as three’s the magic number I’ll probably give her one more chance after that, but unless she can silence that doubt in the back of my mind (or is willing to enter into a D/s friends with benefits style relationship)  I may be back to square one rather sooner than I’d hoped.

Like a rolling stone

I was going to message Inamorata earlier and say something along the lines of “if you want to be friends, be friendly; if you want me to message you, message me; going forward I will give as I get”

And then it struck me – is she deliberately distancing herself?.

Maybe things between her and her husband have improved to a point where she no longer wants the attention I offer.
Maybe she doesn’t like the way things have worked out between us and is trying to let our friendship die naturally to help me let go.
Maybe she’s so caught up with work and other personal problems that she doesn’t even realise.
Maybe she’s so confident in the strength of our friendship that she’s taking a little time for herself safe in the knowledge that we can pick up where we left off anytime she’s ready.

These are just a few of the possibilities that have crossed my mind since my initial musing – the only thing I can be sure of is that, as it involves Inamorata, I’ll never really know the answer……

Look to the future

With systems restructuring at work and family issues outside Inamorata is having a bit of a rough time of it at the moment. I’d like to help, to offer her the love and support I’d offer any of my friends, but she won’t have it, she’s too strong and too independent to show weakness like that.

It’s hard seeing someone you care about suffer and being helpless to change it, but sometimes there’s just nothing you can do – you just have to suck it up and hope everything works out alright in the end…

I try not to let her situation affect me, but it’s not easy – the bonds formed during the brief but intense height of our passion have left me battling feelings of rejection and incredulity on an almost hourly basis some days – seeing her every day doesn’t help, and although it’s getting easier I find myself increasingly looking forward to getting a new job simply for the physical and emotional space it will provide.

And the scales fell from his eyes

There are moments of revelation and there are slow dawnings of truth – the last month or so has been more of the latter with the odd smattering of the former.

I’ve known for a long time that I will always come second to Inamoratas husband – she loves him implicitly, and as much as I want her I would never come between them.
She does however seem to have the singular ability to run two relationships simultaneously​ whilst keeping them partitioned both mentally and physically. She knows what she’s doing is wrong (she’s often commented that she feels like a cunt for doing what she’s doing (to both of us)) but pragmatism allows her to enjoy the best of both worlds – she now seems happier when her husband is home, and whilst he is away she has me to keep her company, both as a close friend and as an occasional lover.

As our friendship strengthens again I feel like a new balance is forming – one of unspoken love betrayed only by a look or a smile (and, occasionally, by lustful embrace and the locking of lips). It’s far from ideal for me, but it is what is is, and as such I intend to make the most of it. 
I’m slowly letting go, and I think she knows this, allowing me to move on in my own time and in my own way, and for this I am grateful.

I’m not the man I was 18 months ago, but now I feel like there’s a chance I may be the man I want to be in another 18 months time.

No escape

The old gang went out for dinner again tonight, and Inamorata and I got on well – no arguments, no awkwardness, just two old friends amongst a group of friends.

It was when I got home and had time to over think things that the angst started.

Is this the way its going to be now?.

The idea of having to live in the ‘friend zone’ is a scary one to me – I want more, but you don’t always get what you want.

Is this how her husband makes her feel?

Wanting to be wanted, but knowing you’ll never be that person’s priority is a crushing blow that never stops hurting.

Do I suffer in silence or speak my piece?.

I want to tell her how much it hurts, that every time I see her the wound re-opens and my heart bleeds bitter tears, but I’m scared to hear her reply – scared I’ll be rebuffed or rebuked or, worse still, ignored.

Is there any way out of this pit I’ve dug myself?

I want the impossible, and knowing it’s impossible doesn’t stop me wanting it.
I want her.
I want a way out.
I want to be happy.

They say nothing is impossible, and maybe the only thing stopping me is me, but if I could find a way to make any of my impossible dreams come.true I would.
I guess I just need to suck it up and see what the future holds.

Compare and contrast

Written 24th Dec 2016

Hey,  I thought it was about time I laid my cards out on the table…

Yeah I’m angry at you, but nowhere near as angry at you as I am at myself. I’ve ruined my ex’s life, put my dad through untold worry, had to sell the house my parents gifted to me and ended up alone and in a world of hurt not because of anything you’ve done, but because of what I wanted..

When this all started I thought this was it, that we’d end up happy together and life would be all rainbows and unicorns, because that was my dream – to meet a beautiful, intelligent, passionate woman, fall in love, and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately you don’t always get what you want – I took a chance and it didn’t work out, but it’s alright – I learnt a few valuable lessons along the way and will go on better and stronger than I was before, but you will always be the one that got away..

I love you, and will always be there for you if you need me, but I can’t go on living in a dream. The house is sold, and once I’m settled I’m gonna find a new job and my life will go on from there – who knows where it will lead, only time will tell, but I have to try..

Thinking you might be happy makes me smile even as my heart breaks again for the hundredth time this day. I wanted so badly to be the one to put the sparkle in your eyes, to be the one you were excited to come home to, but some things aren’t meant to be.

You’ll always be in my heart even if you’re not in my life, and maybe that’s the best way through this for me – I’m not strong enough yet to be the friend you want, and maybe I never will be, but I am who I am, and right now I just want to be happy.

Written 8th Jan 2017

It’s wrong –
You know it,
I know it,
But you don’t choose who you love.

If dreams could make wishes come true
I wake up every morning
And smile at you…

But life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns –
We’ve had our ups and downs,
Good days and bad,
But through it all
I’d choose you.

Life is about choices,
And living with the consequences –
I’ve been broken,
And learnt,
And grown,
And still I’d choose you.

Yesterday, today, tomorrow,
Friend, “special friend”,
We share a bond
And I thank the stars for that.

The difference.?..

On December 29th Inamorata and I went out, got steaming drunk, had a long and heartfelt conversation, and then slept together again.