My earlier writings were fueled by a need to vent, to lay bare the pain and anguish that unobtainable love entails. That pain is still there, but counciling and the passage of time have brought me to a place where it no longer rules me. It’s still there of course, locked away, always threatening to overwhelm my newfound mental defences and plunge me back in to a world of obsession and misery, but I keep a check on as best I can.
Still, some days are better than others.
My relationship with Kitten started well, she’s pretty and funny and has a high libido, and our mutual enjoyment of ‘alternative’ sexual practice’s makes her one of the best diversions going, but she has her flaws.
She has cats.
And these aren’t your usual ‘prowl the town then pop home for dinner’ cats, these are house cats, plural. This puts a strain on our burgeoning relationship for several reasons. Firstly she can’t leave them alone for more than 10-12 hours, and finding someone to look after them isn’t easy, which automatically puts a dampener on her spending time at my house or us going away for a weekend. Secondly I’m allergic to cats, which makes spending time at her house uncomfortable, even when dosed up to the eyeballs with antihistamines.
So it seems Kitten and I won’t last, which is a shame, but hey, that’s life.
The real news in this post is that over the last few weeks and months I’ve noticed that my infatuation with Inamorata has eased. Somehow, somewhere along the line, I’ve learned to step back – a day without a cuddle or even contact no longer hurts like it did – but the truth is I still want her. She told me recently that I don’t get this ‘friends with benefits’ thing, and she’s right – I want more…
And so my pain goes on. I’m going to keep looking in the hope that one day I’ll find someone who will soothe my tortured soul and maybe even allow me to let go of the pain of loving a woman I can never have, but the doubts that I have keep nagging at me, and I’m scared they’ll prove to be right.