Alone again…

I spent a day with my ex recently, and it was nice enough, but it also served as a reminder of why I left her:

Not just because I cheated on her and felt guilty

Not just because I fell in love with another woman

Not just because of the depression and dark thoughts that were tearing me apart

But because I want more than she can offer.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to break off our ‘friends with benefits’ arrangement. It’s not a decision she’s gonna like, I know she wants us to get back together but that’s not gonna happen, and neither of us will ever really move on if we keep coming back to the safe but ultimately unsatisfying situation we were in, so as I see it there is no other option.
I hate the fact that my selfishness is once again going to bring the life of the woman I once swore my heart to crashing down, but I’ve started down this road and now I must see where it takes me.

To the same ends I met up with inamorata today, and as we talked about my ex and her marriage something passed between us – a thought, a look; an understanding…
We talked about it for a while but we both knew the truth of it before it was said – I’d never really move on, and she’d never look to really sort her marriage, whilst we were still sleeping together.

And so I’m alone again.

In all honesty I think I’m still processing the enormity of the situation. I am alone, single for the first time in over a decade – the very thought scares the shit outta me!.

But tomorrow I’m gonna start as I meen to go on – taking it one day at a time and trying to do something positive each day.

The old me would be howling with tears as he plummeted into another week long misery binge, but the new me isn’t – there may be butterfly’s in my stomach, but my jaw is set and my buttocks clenched.

Lifes for living, and I’ve got alot of catching up to do.