As it should be

As part of our chat last night Inamorata stated that we should be able to meet as just friends, with no expectations of anything else. Me, being a gentleman and all, asked her if this was what she wanted, and, evasive as ever, she replied simply that this is how it should be….

So it was less surprising than usual when earlier today I received an invite to dinner from Inamorata, and, intrigued as ever, I jumped at the chance.

We spent a plesent evening together, but whilst there was plenty of chat about work, family and TV there was a noticeable lack of flirting. This came as no surprise, in my head I’d hoped to walk into her house and be pounced upon, but in my heart I knew tonight was always going to be just a friends thing.

The hug as I left was a little weird, as normally it would lead to at least a kiss and more often rather more, but as I walked down the drive and turned to wave a last goodbye I felt a small but distinct sence of pride beneath the veneer of disappointment.

With last night’s pain processed and expunged in the previous post I awoke feeling pretty good this morning, and strange as it is tonight’s non-eventful meeting has also left me in a positive frame of mind. We can be just friends as and when we (or, more accurately, she) chooses, and I expect this to become the norm rather than the exception in the future, but with any luck I can remind her that this was supposed to be ‘just a bit of fun’ (her words, not mine) and as much as we both enjoy each others company, its in the bedroom that we really excel

Left wanting more

Inamorata has just left – we had a brilliant dinner, talked alot, flirted and joked plenty, and shared an amazing (if brief) kiss before she headed home, but as usual she left me wanting so much more.

It’s torture, not as intense as it used to be, but in the same vein. I want her, a deep seated yearning that I’ve learned to control through endless cycles of heartbreak, disappointment, self-evaluation and adjustment, but at its core it’s still burns as only desire can.

I’m stuck wanting the one thing I can’t have, teased with glimpses of a life that can never be, all the more foolish for opening myself up to this pain so readily. It hurts, but I can’t imagine a life in which I don’t have this ache to remind me I’m alive

Version 2.0

Alot has happened in the fortnight or so since my last post, events that have both turned my world upside down whilst at the same time bringing me almost full circle.

My week away with Kitten was a rousing success – we had a fantastic time together exploring a new country, seeing new sights and sharing new experiences, and whilst we would probably never work as a couple (the distance between us, her job and her damned cats being prime examples of the obstacles we’d face) it was fantastic to spend time with her again.

But it’s the shift in Inamoratas and I’s interactions that have been the real forward motion in my life – a change that, although unforseen, is more than welcome.

At Inamorata’s leaving do something changed. As we sat and enjoyed a drink and a little time together the passive aggressive hostility of the past months seemed to fall away, and we found ourselves laughing and joking like old times. As the night drew to a close we inevitably but unexpectedly found ourselves in that little ally behind the bar near work, passions raised, lips locked together and hands moving of their own free will – it was beautiful!. If I hadn’t have had to collect Kitten from the train station later that very evening there’s no doubt we would have ended up either at her place or mine…

The next day she slightly sheepishly messaged me saying she wasn’t sure if she should apologise for last night, to which I replied she should never apologise for being herself, its one of the manifold reasons that I care for her as I do. Over the course of my holiday we kept in contact, her occasionally commenting on the pictures I posted on social media and me checking in on how she was settling into her new role, but it wasn’t until I got back from holiday and asked to meet her on her lunch break at a little cafe we occasionally visited together that things really settled back in. It wasn’t that we did or said anything in that brief meeting, it was just that we sat together and talked comfortably as friends for the first time in a long time – a treat I thought I’d never get to enjoy again.

It was a few days later as we chatted and joked back and forth via message that she finally invited herself round to mine for dinner this evening, the chance of a free meal and the opportunity to see my new house the perfect excuse for what we both knew would be (re)defining moment in the story of us.
So after a fantastic meal and alot of preamble about her new team and position etc we finally got down to the crux of the situation, and whilst enough was said to satisfy my need for some sort of definition, enough ambiguity remained to satisfy Inamoratas need not to pigeon hole anything – a fluid state in which we exist in the moment, nothing asked for or expected, where we are happy to simply be.

This modus vivendi may not be the answer to all our problems but it does seem like a good starting point. She still insists that I should find myself someone new (because she can’t offer me what I really want) and in time maybe I will, but for now I’m simply happy to be able to concentrate on me whilst also enjoying the benifits of my newly rekindled friendship with her.

The longest journeys……

It started with an innocent picture message I shared with a group of friends (that includes Inamorata) and ended with us having our first proper conversation in a long time.

We chatted about work initially, then my upcoming holiday, and finally onto more personal (if vague) allusions to our situation and past. I told her I was having difficulties letting go of old ideas and moving on, she replied that she was having similar issues. We danced around the subject a bit, both agreeing that her promotion was the best thing that could have happened for the both of us, before she ended with inferences that whilst her willpower and commitment remain strong alcohol does tend to interfere somewhat.

Although infuriatingly ambiguous as her comments almost always are it was nice to know that I wasn’t the only one wrestling with conflicting emotions. With the prospect of at least a couple of months ahead of us in which we won’t be forced together by work I’m quietly optimistic that there is now at least a small chance we may be able to salvage something of our former friendship. The acid test will no doubt be if and when we finally face each other in person, but until then its just nice to be able to have a semi-normal conversation with the woman I can’t stop myself from loving.

The Addict

Hot
Cold
Trembling
Body aching
Mind screaming
Withdrawal

Physically healing
Emotionally shattered
Mentally?.
Mentally riven

Surviving
One day
One hour
One breath at a time
The pain fading
The truth unknown
Reality in flux

Decisions
Distractions
Lies

Breathe in, new life
Breathe out, her name

Looking forward

After a day swapping ideas and innuendoes with Kitten I left work feeling decidedly more upbeat than I was yesterday. Somewhere along the way I decided that a week away with someone I don’t love but can enjoy a bit of company and intimacy with definatly trumps the slim chance of a conversation with the woman I love but can never have.
So there it is, decision made, Kitten and I are on for a great time.

It wasn’t until I got home and walked through the door of my empty house that an old friend made its presence known –
the weekend slump.

I think I’ve been doing pretty well, Inamoratas leaving has given me the possibility of a new life, my new routine is building momentum, its just the new addiction that I’m missing – something to distract me from the non-event that is my life.
With Inamorata gone the joy is slowly seeping back into my work life (although I do worry what will happen if she returns once her 3 months is up – it would be just my luck that life would give me a glimpse of happiness only to tear it away again), and I’ve got a few things in the pipework to keep me occupied during the week, but I’ve always suffered at weekends. Without  something to channel my energy into the darkness that still lives at the edges of my consciousness starts to encroach again, and that spiral only ever leads down.

I’m thinking some sort of voluntary work might be a good idea (its how my parents originally met incidentally) and whilst I hold no hope of finding love I do find the idea of helping others (whilst also helping myself) rather appealing

Torn

For the last week or so Kitten (an old squeeze / FB) and I have been planning a trip away together, something I’d been looking forward to until a poster went up in the coffee room at work today announcing Inamoratas leaving do and a planned night on the town. The leaving do is the night Kitten wants to come down to mine (a couple of days before we fly out) and the night out is the day I’m due to fly back.

There’s a chance I could still make the leaving do, it’s just a midweek meal with the team so no late night shenanigans, but the night out will be an event for sure, and one I’d rather not miss.

Hence I’m torn – I can either try and arrange things so that I can make one or maybe both of the events and possibly alienate Kitten, or I can not go and try to enjoy my holiday knowing I’m missing out on a chance to see Inamorata…

I hate that in the time it took me to read half a dozen lines and check the dates in my head my enthusiasm for this holiday has plummeted

Words left Unspoken – So, Your Leaving…

Hey,

The last few months haven’t been easy for me, but I just wanted you to know that even though everything has changed, nothing has changed – I’m still the same selfish, lazy, overly emotional fuck-up that I was, and I still love you – I’ve just learned to hide it a little better.

I’m sorry about the way things have gone – you said you needed to break things off between us and concentrate on your marriage, and as much as it hurt me I wanted to help you do that. Every day I’ve wanted to tell you how I feel, but every day I’ve stopped myself because strong as I am now I don’t know if I’ll ever be strong enough to be just your friend.

I’m slowly letting go but it’s not easy, since that first walk by the river (and forĀ  a few months even before that) you’ve been all I wanted. So many times you’ve told me I deserve more, and I do, but all I want is the one thing I can’t have. Hopefully time apart wil give me the headspace I need to start healing my wounds.

Good luck with your new posting beautiful, LYB x

Deus Ex Machina

A little after lunch Inamorata called me and one of the interns into her office. We filed in, sat down and she announced she’s off.
I was a little shocked obviously, but she continued by saying a position had opened up as section manager in one of our sister sections, and that after discussion with the department chief she was transferring as of Wednesday.

Can you imagine my reaction?.

Processing it all hasn’t been easy, but the long and short of it is that as of Wednesday she’s no longer my boss, we won’t have to interact – hell, she won’t even be working on the same floor as me!.
Halle-fucking-lujah.!!.

It’s only a 3 month temporary reassignment (with the option to extend if things go well) but it gives me space to breathe, sort my shit out and maybe even start moving on with my life.

You might not always get what you want, but I sure as hell am grateful for this