She saw it instantly

I knew I loved her for a reason.

After the usual plesentries the conversation with Inamorata last night turned to my love life. I told her the truth – I like Kandi but somethings missing. She asked if I’d felt the same way about any of the women I’ve dated as I do about her and as I thought through them only one sprang to mind – Bouncer…
“There you have it” she announced, “Your only really interested in the women you can’t have.”
The moment she said it I knew it was true – it explained so much, not least my continued interest in her.

Unfortunately insight in and of itself is worthless without some way to put it to use. I’ve changed so much over the last couple of years, mostly for the better, but knowing what I do now I still can’t see how I can turn this newfound knowledge to my advantage.

In some ways Inamorata and I are one and the same – we both want what we can’t have, and if and when we do get it we find its not really what we want.

As gratifying as it is to understand myself that little bit better I’m still left with the knowledge that I will only ever be left disappointed.
I love her, and she loves someone else more than me.
She’d say ‘it is what it is’ and she’s right. I’d say lifes shit, and I’m damn sure she wouldn’t disagree


Better off alone

With Inamoratas new position finally confirmed as perminant and my relationship with Kandi supposedly blooming things are finally changing – or so it seems. In reality things are changing, but not in the way those around me believe.

A wonderful weekend spent with Kandi made me realise that whilst we may be compatible in alot of ways I don’t love her. Sure she’s easy to talk to and the sex is great, but there’s still something missing.. Being in love with someone has always made me feel alive, but the dead feeling that I get with Kandi just reminds me that I’m just using her, and I don’t like it. I’ll break it off soon enough, and although the excuises I’ll use are lame hopefully they’ll ring true enough that we can part ways without too much animosity between us. I have no doubt that I’ll find another someone in time, but I can’t help feeling that I’m just passing the time, that I’m waiting for something that will never happen.

My life feels false, denied what I want and unable to be honest about the thing that pains me deepest I’m left living a lie. I’ve traded depression and suicidal thoughts for a newer better me, but without someone special to share it with I still feel like I’m just waiting for the inevitable. At least when it comes I’ll be ready for it

A glimpse of the old me

Inamorata popped in to my work today, whatever official errand she was on an obvious excuise to see old friends and catch up on company and personal gossip.

It’s almost as if I felt her step out of the lift and onto the floor, and I had to glance up as she strode majestically to the section chiefs office. It’s not that she looked amazing, she always looks good, that sent me back all those years, it was the aura she exuded, that mix of sex and power she’s always had that’s only been refined since her ascension.

In the hour or so she was in the office it all came flooding back to me – the pleasure and the pain, the elation and the frustration, the loving and the loathing.
She detoured around the floor to say hi to a few of us, and we exchanged a few words as she passed my desk, but by that time I had sunk back into the old me, weighing up avenues of escape and thinking the unthinkable.

It took me a good few hours to deal with the whirlwind of negative emotions seeing her in that setting unleashed on me. I don’t know why my mind always turns to dark places but it does, and whilst fighting yourself gets easier with practice it’s still hideously tiring. I’m past it now, set once again on my path that leads who knows where, but that germ of darkness remains. I glimpsed a part of the old me today, and, whilst its methods are extreme and its outcome deplorable, I cannot deny its allure

Conflict of Self

It is what it is is a phrase I’ve heard bandied about by numerous people over the years, and whilst I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with potentiality and ambiguity that’s not my natural state. By nature I am an ordered individual, methodical in approach and comfortable with routine. Where others casually trot out it is what it is I think to myself it is what you make it, or, maybe more accurately, it is what you allow it to be.

Inamorata may well be an avatar of ambiguity, but applying my counterpoint to her oft used retort lead me to realise that, trapped as she is by social convention and family concerns, she is also ruthless in getting what she wants, and if she really wanted more from me she would have taken it by now.
Maybe therein lays the crux of my problem, she knows I would do anything for her so I’m no challenge anymore, but I prefer to think not. My intuition tells me that whilst the pinnacles our passion can reach are breathtaking, she cares for me more in a platonic way, choosing to ease me away into the arms of another woman even as she eases herself back into the routines and privations of her own marriage.

To which end things are coming along well with Kandi, not too quick but not too slowly either, so I’m happy to see where it leads. As I told Inamorata when she asked about my new romance it’s not what I want, but something is better than nothing. Maybe I will learn to love Kandi in time but I suspect not – I’ve already had the internal back and forth arguments as to weather I should press on with this relationship or abandon it in the hope of finding someone who sets my soul aflame, but I’ve decided to settle back and enjoy this journey for what it is, a distraction. I feel bad for Kandi as she will never know why I can’t love her with all my heart, but I’ve made the first step in moving on and now will see this through.

Maybe one day I’ll even stop waiting for the impossible to happen

Poles apart

Kandi :
My dinner date with Kandi on Saturday night went pretty well – we ate, watched a couple of movies, talked like old friends and then made out like a couple of kids.. Things probably would have gone further (she was planning to stay the night) but she forgot to bring her contraceptive pill (she takes them each evening rather than in the mornings) so we fooled around on the sofa a bit untill midnight and then I dropped her home again. Whilst possibly not classically beautiful (the words cherubic and Rubenesque spring to mind) she’s easy to talk to and will hopefully prove to be a suitably voracious lover.

Inamorata :
With her new posting soon to be confirmed as a perminant position things between us are looking up. Whilst the heat has been turned down a bit since our last ‘encounter’ we still swap the odd message. At first I took her reluctance to hug as a sign of diminishing interest, but then I remembered where our hugs so often lead (especially when we’re alone together) and I realised she’s probably trying to hold herself back so as not to ‘distract’ me from my burgeoning relationship with Kandi. Everyday I want to message her and tell her what I’m thinking and how I feel about her, but each time I stop myself because I’m not sure she wants to be reminded that she has two men in her life that love her dearly, and neither of them will ever make her truely happy

Man plans, fate laughs

I went out for coffee with Inamorata at lunch again today. We seem to be back in a ‘just friends’ phase (possibly because she doesn’t want to interfere with my burgeoning relationship with Kandi), but as we spoke of life and love she told me that she’d recently laid out to her husband, in no uncertain terms, her reasons for feeling why their relationship was pointless. I asked if she thought this would sort anything and she replied that he would change, but as time rolled on he’d slip back into his old habits and things would end up just the way they always had been.

It’s odd, but I really do hope she manages to find a way to close the slowly growing gap between her and her man, partly because I love her and I want to see her truely happy with the man she loves above all others; partly because if she were to fall head over heels in love with him again, painful as it may be, it might help me to finally let go and move on; but also because the idea of eventually getting what I’ve wanted for so long, a chance to be in a ‘real’ relationship with her, scares the hell out of me.

But the choice is still not mine to make – whatever will be will be… I’m slowly coming to believe her when she says we’d never make it as a couple, but if the time ever comes where we do have the chance to try then maybe it will be a good thing – either it will work or it won’t – and either way at least I’ll get closure of one kind or another

Searching without hope

I went out on a date with a girl last night. Kandi seems nice enough, we’ve been chatting via a dating app for a couple of weeks now, and although she’s rather short and a little plump there’s something about her I rather like. We’ve a second date tomorrow, and if all goes well I imagine we may well end up seeing a fair bit more of each other..

And therein lays my dilemma : I date women to distract myself from my feelings for Inamorata, but, because I have no real love for them, they usually end up getting hurt. I don’t enjoy this aspect of dating, but without trying how am I ever going to meet anyone?.

With each new consort I learn something new about myself, but I feel as if I’m playing a game. I move up the levels, gaining experience, but in the end it’s all rather pointless – the one thing I want is unobtainable.

Time will tell just how far and in which direction this latest escapade will go, but I do wonder what’s the point of looking for love when your hearts already lost

Booty Called

I knew Inamorata was rather unhappy at her husband for delaying his flight home from Barcelona or Bonn or wherever the hell he’d been that week, but I never expected this…..

Friday night I was sat in front of the TV when Inamorata messaged me – she’d just got home from dinner and drinks out with friends and was obviously in the mood for more, and she was far from shy about letting me know it.

One taxi ride later she was sat in my lounge sharing a bottle of wine and a few home truths. Inamorata can be blunt but luckily alcohol softens her somewhat, loosening the tight self control. We talked again of life and love, and, after she told me in no uncertain terms that there was no way in hell we’d ever make it as a couple, she leaned over and kissed me.

The sex was amazing, and afterwards she fell asleep in my arms, the soft murmur of her breath music to my ears.

We awoke early, and after round 2 I dropped her off at the end of her road.

I hope that I’m not just gonna be that guy she calls after one too many to drink, but time will tell. I’ve never been someone’s booty call before, but it sure as hell beats loving her from afar


I want her; she knows it, and I know I’ll never get it.

She wants me, but more than that she wants her husband.

Something inside me makes me think that in a way she wants her husband to be a little bit more like me.
But then she wouldn’t get the illicit thrill that comes with our affair.

She called it an infactuation – I see it as me loving her with all that I am because that’s who I am.

She’d complex; a riddle wrapped in an enigma; sharp tongued, blunt worded, capricious, voracious, hypocritical, indefatigable.

She wants to be wanted. I provide that.
I just wish it didn’t hurt so much in the process