All my life I’ve had difficulties letting go of past mistakes. Situations and events replay in my mind, and it’s not uncommon for a random memory from childhood or adolescence to surface and leave me feeling anxious and even nauseous as my mind drags me back to times and places I’d rather forget.
Needless to say my time with Inamorata has left me with a fair few extra moments I’d happily never think about again, but combating them is the next step.
Step Three – Make Peace with the Past
God only knows how many times she tried to end it over the years. Shortly after our first kiss (but before we first slept together) she told me she couldn’t go through with it, that she loved her husband too much and didn’t want to hurt either him or me.
Oh how I wish I’d listened to her.
But back then we were both slaves to our desires, and the unmistakable undercurrent of sexual tension between us was growing day by day.
At first she was angry when I told her I’d split from my fiancé and asked her to leave the house we’d shared together (back then I was still under the delusion that Inamorata would eventually leave her husband and we’d love happily ever after). I kept the split a secret from everyone else at work for weeks afterwards, eventually letting it slip out as I faked yet another bout of depression. Secretary though I was overjoyed – with my ex out of the way my house was free to use as our love nest, and use it we did.
But Inamorata is a capricious soul, and not being very good at reading her moods I regularly fell into the trap of being over amorous when I should have been laid back and understanding. The arguements that ensued, and the crushing feelings of rejection and loneliness I felt each time she walked out the door, were hideously painful, but they were not the worst.
I’d nurtured suicidal thoughts from a very young age. As I grew older and depression sank it’s claws into my soul they combined with my propensity to hold on to negative experiences and emotions until I was beginning to seriously consider acting on my dark desires. My father has always had tendency to talk in detail about his funeral plans and ‘end of life experience’ (especially when drunk) so it had always been a ‘normal’ kind of thing to think about as far as I was concerned.
Inamorata taught me otherwise.
Being told that suicide is disgusting and selfish and that depression is something made up by people too lazy to deal with their problems was a real wake up call.
I can’t say I agree with either of those sentiments, but I do understand them. After I went back into counselling I talked alot about my childhood, my mothers long illness and eventual death, and my own feelings towards life and its ultimate cessation. What I really wanted to talk about through all those long hours of soul searching was the affair I was having, but Inamorata forbade me from divulging anything about our situation (as apparently she doesn’t believe that patient confidentiality trumps good gossip). This left me hamstrung, unable to get treatment for the real problem in my life, and although the sessions did help they could have helped more if only I’d been able to be honest. Unfortunately though I’d made a promise to Inamorata to take our secret to the grave, and it’s a promise I intend to keep.
When things did eventually fall apart it happened fairly rapidly. I can’t remember what started it but tensions at work didn’t help, and soon we were frenemies. Alot was said and done by both of us back then, stuff I’m sure we’d both rather forget, but life isn’t that kind. I can’t recount every slight, every hurtful word or action, most don’t even register in my consciousness untill a sight, sound, thought or even a flux in brain chemistry triggers them, but when it happens I’m there, back in the moment, reliving the pain, sometimes over and over again.
It’s taken me far too long to realise that as painful as these moments are they’re in the past and I should just let them go. Now when they come (which, thank the gods, is far less frequently than it used to be) I try to let the pain wash over me. Yes, the situation occured, but its done now, I can’t change it, all I can do is live with it. Dwelling on the past used to be second nature to me, but my time with Inamorata has taught me that what’s done is done and there’s no going back, so why look back.
I can’t stop myself from wishing I’d done things differently, but I have learned some valuable lessons. The pain I’ve been through, like the pleasures we shared, have made me who I am today, and maybe, just maybe, the new me will get a real chance at happiness one day.
All is forgiven my love, we are who we are