I laid awake for hours,
Cursing the dawn that I knew would take you.
The stink of our rutting,
Lingers on the sheets,
Still sheened with perspiration,
Is next to me,
You whispered sweet nothings
As you slept soundly beside me,
A love song,
Music to my soul.
With the morning came normality,
Oh, how I loved it
When we were creatures of the night
Memes on social media come in all shapes and flavor, and over the last few weeks I’ve noticed a distinct change in the ones I like (and, more importantly, the ones I agree with but don’t like publicly).
After a brief dip into melancholic and derisory memes (directed as much at myself as at Inamorata) I’m noticing alot more positive messages catching my attention – sure I still hover over those that allude to a lost love and the ease with which friendships can dissolve, but it’s the ones that talk about letting go and moving on, about leaving the past (both physically and mentally) behind and making room for a positive future that I really wish I could share.
Through all of this I just wish there was one real life actual human being I could sit down with and talk through all my problems, solutions, feelings and misgivings, but unfortunately I made a promise to Inamorata that I’d keep what happened between us a secret, and as unhappy as I am that she’s turned her back on our friendship (and as happy as I am to move on with my life with or without her as a friend) I won’t go back on my word.
She may not trust me, but that’s her choice. I don’t expect that to ever change, but I won’t give her any reason to to believe it’s true either.
Inamoratas away at a conference next week, which is a blessing for me as this weeks been pretty tough at work.
She’s still not happy with me for whatever reason (pointing out a couple of errors she made to an intern probably hasn’t helped, but the business comes first) and whilst I know I’m only getting as good as I gave its starting to get under my skin now, so I’ve set myself a deadline. Come April 1st if things haven’t improved I’m gonna call her out – sure I deserve this, and I’m taking it with all the grace I can, but I won’t take it forever…
I thought long and hard
About what to say,
Over which words to send you
On Valentine’s day,
So many compliments,
All of them true,
But the most simple
Are ‘I Love You’
Being a die-hard romantic at heart I’ve never needed an excuise to tell a woman that I love just how deep my feelings go.
I’m looking forward to finding someone special to share life and love with again someday…
It started off well enough, almost like the good old days – we talked about this and that, joked and made inappropriate comments – but it wasn’t until the third time she made a ‘flippant’ comment disparaging something that I’m rather proud of that I got annoyed and walked away.
To her this is no doubt just another example of my weaknesses, a reminder that I’m over sensitive and take things to heart too easily.
To me it’s a lesson learned – I may have changed, but she hasn’t.
For the first time in a long time I thought about you laid sleeping next to the man you love last night, and as lonely as I was, the idea that you were safe and happy made me smile.
I know he’ll always be your number 1, but 2nd, 12th, whatever I am or was, I’ll always treasure the time we had together.
It hurts, the loss made all the harder for never getting the chance to know if we’d ever really work together, but it is what it is, and life goes on – maybe one day I’ll even stop missing you.
Looking back over this blog I noticed the tag line and it stirred a thought in me – there’s been so many times I’ve put my thoughts and feelings into words with the intention of sending them to Inamorata, but 9 times out of 10 I didn’t… These messages have collected on my phone as random drafts scattered amongst various messaging apps. Some trigger strong memories of specific times or places, others are more generalised.
In the past some have formed the basis of posts on here, but as part of a conscious release effort I’ve decided to publish these messages (suitably edited) on an ad-hoc basis – unless specifically stated the time and date of publication has nothing to do with the events of the day…
These truely are the words left unspoken, words originally destined for Inamorata, now released into the ether to serve as a lesson, aide-memoire and catharsis…
Wracked by physical pain day in day out,
Heartbroken, confused and blue,
I wonder –
Does she still love me?
Does she still want me?
Are we even the same people who set out on this course what feels like a life time ago?.
But she has her own problems too,
Bereavement not least amongst them,
So I’m giving her space,
And hoping in time,
That life will see us smile in the end.
We used to be so close, back when passions ran high. Work was fun, play was fun, life was fun.
Then it all fell apart.
She decided she had to do right by her husband, I obviously didn’t take it too well, and things nosedived from there.
Slowly, over time, we’re starting to find that elusive middle ground, but in doing so we’re drifting apart.
Distance, both personal and professional, can be both a blessing and a curse – boundaries separate us, but allow us to move parallel with one another.
Things have changed, in her and in me – life goes on, and only time will tell what direction(s) we shall follow.
I had a quick conversation with the section chief today which allayed some of my fears – Inamoratas not just off with me, she’s just having a tough time.
As reassuring as this is we are still distant, occasionally I hear her laugh or hear second-hand of her banter and japes with other colleagues, but on the few times I’ve had cause to talk to her she is dead-eyed and disinterested.
In a past life this would have thrown me into a whirling pit of depression and angst, but things have changed; I have changed…
She asked me not ask if she was alright, so I don’t. I doubt being regularly reminded that I still care deeply for her would help, so I try to say it with actions rather than words. With so much on her plate all I can do is give her the space to work through it all herself and hope that there’s still something of the bond we once shared on the other side…
I miss her so much, but I’m past crying and drinking to numb the pain.
If she comes back to me then so be it –
If not I can always up sticks and move on.