The Wildcard

Life of late has been hard for me – a series of significant episodes of depression have put great strain on both me and those closest to me, and the repercussions are still being felt.

Since my last couple of posts I’ve slept with both my ex and inamorata again, but now there’s a new complicating factor – a possible 3rd woman in my life.

I’ll start at the start though, with the woman with whom my life really began. My ex has never made a secret of the fact she’d take me back in a heartbeat, and for my part I’ve always told her I couldn’t and wouldn’t get back together with her – the guilt of not being able to tell her of my affair with inamorata – the very thing that destroyed our relationship – prevents me from ever seriously contemplating it. So we agreed to stop sleeping together, and then we did again, several times. Alone together were an almost ideal couple, but that isn’t possible thanks to her kids. Even if I could confess all I’m still not sure I’d really want to get back with her –  I don’t want to settle back into a life of sexual bliss but domestic boredom, I want more.
So last night I went round to her house for dinner. She knew something was up but I left it until the kids had gone to bed to drop my bombshell.
I hate the fact that I’ve broken her heart so many times – inamorata has done it to me so I can empathise with her pain but never let on about it. Obviously devastated I left her to pick up the pieces of her freshly shattered dreams, and although we agreed to stay friends I know first hand just how soul destroying it is to be ‘friend zone’ by someone you’ve given your heart to.

Inamorata still remains the object of my hearts desire, and although I’ve come to realise that we are as opposite in temperament and outlook as its probably possible to be and can barely keep our friendship afloat, let alone any kind of relationship, I still find my thoughts constantly drawn back to her. After yet another argument and the rounds of depression and animosity that follow its been made clear by her that we are now just friends again – nothing more, maybe even less. We did sleep together again a few weeks ago, a heart warming ‘deep and meaningful’ conversation lead to a kiss that snowballed into some pretty great sex, but even that was quickly forgotten when the incompatibility of our personality’s reasserted itself. After a few tit-for-tat hurtful moments I’m hoping that things will stabilise soon and maybe we can be real friends again once more. I haven’t yet dropped the bombshell on her, but I think in this case it may be just the thing we need to be able to move on in peace.

Which brings me to the real news of this post – I may have met someone new. Having been chatting with a lady I met on a dating site for a week or so now we’ve finally set a day to meet in person – a first date.
After having talked online she seems nice enough, and although she has kids they’re all late teens or older so almost fully independent. She also lives an hour or so away from me, so its not going to be an everyday thing (if it even does turn into a relationship), which suits me fine at the moment. Personality wise we seem well matched (although the real test of that is still to come) but even with all the plus points racking up I’m still a little dubious. Inamorata still rules my heart, and unless this new girl can find a way to break that I fear that I may just be building false hope in both her and me.
But these are worries to be addressed when the time comes – for now I’m just glad of someone new to talk to, and secretary delighted to know that there is a chance of life after inamorata.