Of life, love, loss, and limerence

Two very important things happened today.

I talked to Inamorata this morning and she spoke again of how things between her and her husband we’re getting stronger, of how she had had a fantastic weekend, and how she needed to learn to be happy with what she has. This lead on to her thoughts on me finding someone to replace her, both in my head and in my heart. She spoke of fireworks when she met her husband, of how her heart raced and her words stumbled in the days and weeks before they became a couple. I told her honestly that I have never experienced this, every relationship I had had up to and including her had started slowly and grown naturally into something beautiful and unique.

It was then that I realised that I needed to stop looking for something to rival the passion and intensity that Inamorata and I shared and open my eyes and my heart to the world around me. Innamorata has often chastised me, saying I pretend to be naïve, but I’ve come to realise that, when it comes to love, life and loss, I truly am.

It wasn’t long after she joined the corporation that Inamorata made her feelings for me known, but it took me the best part of two years to finally understand that whilst she joked about sleeping with me anytime she actually meant it. I had always been attracted to her, her air of self-confidence, her wicked smile and sledgehammer honesty, combined with a flirty dirty streak a mile wide, make her many a man’s dream. I don’t know why I initiated it, maybe I was bored with my fiancé, maybe I was just looking for a little excitement in my otherwise grey and predictable life, but the day I first asked to meet her after work was a fork in the road from which I can never turn back.

That I fell so rapidly and helplessly in love with her is but another sign of my naivety. It was only a few weeks after the affair started that I made the fateful decision to leave my fiancé, convinced as I was that Inamorata would soon leave her husband and we would be happy together. Since then there have been innumerable highs and lows as our affections waxed and waned, leading as it has to this latest cessation of our physical romance.

That I love her is undeniable, but rather than a limerent love I see it as a unequally balanced one. She loves her husband, a fact she has never denied, and it comes as some recompense to me that, from the ashes of my life her marriage may be reborn.

This evening ended very differently however.

It was a trivial matter, one to which Inamorata attached no importance whatsoever, but it hurt me deeply. When I told her how she had hurt me, childish as it was, she neither understood nor cared for my point of view.

It was then that I realised what a fool I have been.

She listed the priorities in my life recently, her at the top of course, but it was only after the events of tonight that I finally understood that, no matter what I did or how I felt, I would never be her number one priority.

In a way this knowledge has helped free me a fraction more from the shackles of loving her. That she has been the most important person in my life recently, and possibly will remain so for the foreseeable future, is undeniable, but I offer my body heart and soul, and deserve as much in return.

Heartbroken as I am I hope to be able to use this new knowledge to fuel my escape from the Vortex of her love. It won’t be easy, we work on the same floor and she is my indirect superior, but I deserve better, of this I am now sure.

We are different people, we show our love in different ways, but I cannot help feeling that I care for her far more than she cares for me. If I could stop loving her tomorrow I would, but even with my newfound knowledge I fear the long journey to happiness will yet be mired in pain and sorrow.

But this is the path I must walk, and I do so now with a new sense of resolve.

Nth time lucky

It had to happen again, and to be fair I’d seen it coming for a long time. Innamorata had whispered those infamous words only a few weeks before but, after dinner and snuggles on the sofa, the night ended as it so often had – our bodies entwined in my bed.

But this time it was, it is, different. After jetting back from wherever he had been this time, Inamorata had had a real heart to heart discussion with her husband – and finally things had started to change between them.

We met up after work at our usual smoking spot and the chat drifted along nicely until, at one of the natural pauses in conversation, I saw from her face that she had something serious to say.
“Come on then, spit it out” I told her.

“We need to stop sleeping together” she said.

Where once these words would have cut through my heart like a knife I felt a strange sense of relief. I gave her a simple “ok” in reply and she went on to tell me of how she wanted to concentrate on fixing her marriage, of how she loved her husband dearly, and of her desire to know if her marriage could be made to work.

As she spoke a calm settled in me. In all the many months of this affair all I have ever wanted was to see Inamorata happy, either with her husband or with me. I know in my heart of hearts that the lying and the cheating has taken its toll on her, as it has with me, but now, finally, she has made her decision.

The conversation carried on a little longer and we joked back and forth about how the things we wanted most in life are often the hardest to get. She made me promise not to seduce her anymore, and in turn I made her promise to stop enticing me. We laughed and smiled, both knowing full well that ours was a highly physical relationship based on mutual attraction, but she had laid down a challenge for me, and I intend to rise to it.

Since then there have been several occasions when we could have fallen to lust again, but on each, through sheer force of will, we have resisted. I can’t say that it’s been easy, it hasn’t, but she has chosen the path and I intend to see her walk it to the best of my abilities. In moments of seclusion we still share those little-too-long-to-be-just-friendly hugs, but we haven’t kissed since, and the physical play is slowly fading away too.

In its own strange way the loss of physical intimacy has brought his own rewards. We now talk more honestly about our feelings, both for each other and the significant others in both our lives, and where before a jibe or flippant comment may have hurt me I now find myself laughing them off as I did in days of old.

I don’t know where this new path will lead us. With the end of my relationship with Kitten I had hoped to take some time out to find myself, but a chance meeting with an old friend lead to coffee and a long walk where we talked and laughed and joked before finally agreeing to do it all again soon. I don’t know if this rekindling of an old crush will lead to anything, but even if it doesn’t I am always grateful of an extra friend to talk to, even if I can never talk of the secret I hold inside me – the love I share with Inamorata.