Two very important things happened today.
I talked to Inamorata this morning and she spoke again of how things between her and her husband we’re getting stronger, of how she had had a fantastic weekend, and how she needed to learn to be happy with what she has. This lead on to her thoughts on me finding someone to replace her, both in my head and in my heart. She spoke of fireworks when she met her husband, of how her heart raced and her words stumbled in the days and weeks before they became a couple. I told her honestly that I have never experienced this, every relationship I had had up to and including her had started slowly and grown naturally into something beautiful and unique.
It was then that I realised that I needed to stop looking for something to rival the passion and intensity that Inamorata and I shared and open my eyes and my heart to the world around me. Innamorata has often chastised me, saying I pretend to be naïve, but I’ve come to realise that, when it comes to love, life and loss, I truly am.
It wasn’t long after she joined the corporation that Inamorata made her feelings for me known, but it took me the best part of two years to finally understand that whilst she joked about sleeping with me anytime she actually meant it. I had always been attracted to her, her air of self-confidence, her wicked smile and sledgehammer honesty, combined with a flirty dirty streak a mile wide, make her many a man’s dream. I don’t know why I initiated it, maybe I was bored with my fiancé, maybe I was just looking for a little excitement in my otherwise grey and predictable life, but the day I first asked to meet her after work was a fork in the road from which I can never turn back.
That I fell so rapidly and helplessly in love with her is but another sign of my naivety. It was only a few weeks after the affair started that I made the fateful decision to leave my fiancé, convinced as I was that Inamorata would soon leave her husband and we would be happy together. Since then there have been innumerable highs and lows as our affections waxed and waned, leading as it has to this latest cessation of our physical romance.
That I love her is undeniable, but rather than a limerent love I see it as a unequally balanced one. She loves her husband, a fact she has never denied, and it comes as some recompense to me that, from the ashes of my life her marriage may be reborn.
This evening ended very differently however.
It was a trivial matter, one to which Inamorata attached no importance whatsoever, but it hurt me deeply. When I told her how she had hurt me, childish as it was, she neither understood nor cared for my point of view.
It was then that I realised what a fool I have been.
She listed the priorities in my life recently, her at the top of course, but it was only after the events of tonight that I finally understood that, no matter what I did or how I felt, I would never be her number one priority.
In a way this knowledge has helped free me a fraction more from the shackles of loving her. That she has been the most important person in my life recently, and possibly will remain so for the foreseeable future, is undeniable, but I offer my body heart and soul, and deserve as much in return.
Heartbroken as I am I hope to be able to use this new knowledge to fuel my escape from the Vortex of her love. It won’t be easy, we work on the same floor and she is my indirect superior, but I deserve better, of this I am now sure.
We are different people, we show our love in different ways, but I cannot help feeling that I care for her far more than she cares for me. If I could stop loving her tomorrow I would, but even with my newfound knowledge I fear the long journey to happiness will yet be mired in pain and sorrow.
But this is the path I must walk, and I do so now with a new sense of resolve.