I’m not very good at having time off – at work they nag me to take holiday (its use it or loose it) but when it comes around I find I just kind of waste it anyways.
Take the last few days for example, I was due to have 5 days off over Easter (Friday to Tuesday) but ended up working Saturday as sickness cover. Friday I did very little, yesterday was the same, and today I’m finding it hard to get myself going too.
I have had a fair bit of bad news over the last week or so though to be fair. One college I worked with in a previous job died of cancer, another is on his way out (cancer again), inamorata had to have her annual smear test (a reminder of the cervical cancer she had in the past), and my ex has found a lump in her breast so is now worried that may be cancer too. Couple this with the fact that it will soon be the 10th anniversary of my mothers death (also from cancer) and I’m surprised I’m able to function normally at all.
But I’m still here, still moving forward, albeit at a reduced rate of knots. Putting myself back into counselling appears to be one of the best decisions I’ve made in living memory – the positive thinking thing works and has given me the head space I needed to step back and let go. Inamorata and I are now getting on much better (yes, the affairs still on) but I can cope with the days and weeks between bouts of ravenous lust far better than I ever could before. My relationship with my ex was going well but has cooled whilst she sorts stuff out in her own life (this arose before the scare), but I hope it will pick up again in time – supporting her through tough times is the least I can do for a woman who did the same and more for me.
So there it is – my life turned around. I still have the odd bout of depression but they’re fairly mild and short-lived compared to what they were six months ago. I still contemplate suicide too, but again this is becoming a rarity rather than a fixation, and whilst the emotional masochist in me kind of misses it the positive progressive me is happy to see it recede into the past.
I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, huge irreversible destructive fuck-ups that have torn all I thought I knew and was to shreds, but I’ve come through those, and by allowing myself to let go I feel I’m finally moving on.
Now if only I could stop loving a woman I could never live with even if I could have, life would be peachy…..