Inamorata and I went for dinner the other night and it went surprisingly well. The conversation started with a lot of work talk but soon evolved in to a more generalized and friendly chat until it was pretty much as it used to be in the old days, sexual innuendos and all. As ever she gave no definite answers to my deliberately vague allusions to our chances of sleeping together again some time, but after we had hugged goodbye she commented that ‘that was boring’ (as in I’d behaved and hadn’t attempted to take things further), ‘it was – we should do something fun sometime..’ I replied with a grin, at which she turned to leave, throwing a casual ‘maybe one day’ my way with a smile as she did.
Letting go has been the toughest part of holding on. She avoids simple answers to direct questions as they make her uncomfortable, as if putting emotions into words makes them real. This bothers me far less than it used to, but I still wonder if I’ve honestly changed and become more accepting of the ambiguous, amorphous nature of our relationship or if I’m just lying to myself. Either way it’s become easier for me to deal with her, but the idea that if she actually knew how I felt and what I thought of her (and I do still think about her way too much) it wouldn’t be received well leaves me feeling uncomfortable.
But on the whole things are looking up – I’m (fairly) happy at work, my bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts are fewer and further apart and I’m dealing with them better then I used to, and with this long-awaited affirmation that I can function effectively with or without Inamorata in my life I feel a little freer. The process of letting go and moving on may have been slow and painful, but I see this latest (minor) victory as proof positive that it is indeed underway