Moving on

It seems that encouraging myself to be more positive is paying dividends – the last few days have been really good for me.

I spoke with my ex earlier in the week and she’s happy to move forward with a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario (albeit with a twist of mutually agreed kink) which should go a long way to satisfying both our carnal and emotional cravings. It’s not ideal for either of us, but its a start, and who knows where it may lead.

My new found ‘upbeat mentality’ also seems to have made life with inamorata easier too. Now I’m not as emotionally dependant on her there’s a chance we might one day get back to the pre-affair glory days where our time together was fun and fancy free. She freely admitted she couldn’t offer me what I need when I hinted that I may get back with my ex, and seemed genuinely happy that I had taken positive steps towards making myself happy without worry about her. This tacit approval of my decision still makes me smile – I read somewhere that love is friendship set on fire, and ours burned hot and bright, but now that it’s dying down I hope the glow of true friendship will shine through – ‘special friends’…

So there it is – the agony and angst of months seemingly put to rest by the power of positive thought and deed. I doubt that the future will be as easy as I envision, but by concentrating on past negativity I only hold myself back.

To that end (and here I need to express my deep thanks and appreciation to my councillor for  helping me understand myself and encouraging me to let go and move on) I plan to post here less in the future.

There’s no going back, so why look back – a new dawn is coming, let’s see what it brings….

Two steps forward…..

Towards the end of a long shift a mate of mine text asking if I wanted to come round his place for beer and a movie. Saturday nights are usually beer and pizza night at home for me, but tonight I decided to throw caution to the wind, popped a six pack in a carrier bag and headed out to see what happened.

It was nice to have a bit of man time with him – we ate, drank, laughed and watched TV – and although we’re not the best of mates we’re friendly enough that the evening was a moderate success.

So it came to about midnight and my mate decided to hit the sack – I stayed up to finish my beers and watch the end of a movie on TV that I’d seen before, then as my eyes began to droop and my head felt heavy I knew it was time for bed.

I walked in his spare room, looked down at the mattress on the floor, and almost broke down on the spot.
It was the same spot where inamorata and I last lay together….

I couldn’t do it – in that second I knew I couldn’t stay.
Quiet as I could I collected up the few things I’d brought with me, made sure the door would lock behind me, and headed home.

And here I am, back in my own house, in my own bed, alone except for the memory of her.

Things are changing, I can feel it – something inside me has broken and I’m rebuilding, a process I’m painfully familiar with, but somehow it feels subtlety different this time.
I love her and I want the best for her, even if that doesn’t include me – I just wish I didn’t have to be around to deal with it.

Finding an even keel

This weeks been a strange one for me. I started the week by trying to be more positive – I’d noticed that inamorata and I get on much better when I’m in upbeat mood, so I thought that if I could fake it then maybe her smile and positive responses would buoy me up and we could get back to really enjoying each other’s company. This has worked to a degree, although with the way inamorata blows hot and cold a smile and a positive attitude is by no means a guarantee of a good day, but I feel I should be more positive in all things so I’m going to persevere with it..

I did take a dip midweek however – dark thoughts overtook me to the point where I was drafting my Will and final letters as well as planning my funeral arrangements. Luckily I pulled through this fairly quick, but those morbid moments did make me think – I may take my own life one day, but what happens in the event of an accident?. I’ve so much to say, so much I want doing in the event of my death that I’ve decided I am going to go ahead and sort my Will, life insurance, pension and funeral cover anyways – I know me, and I know accidents happen, and I’d rather have a plan B and never have to use it than vise versa..

The time I spent reflecting on life, love and loss also got me thinking about my ex – we’d already planned to meet up so I could give her a letter that’d arrived here for her, and coffee turned into a walk which turned into TV back at mine. We didn’t have sex (although I’m sure that if I’d asked she’d have jumped at the chance) but it was nice to feel loved and appreciated again.
As I thought through the situation with inamorata and my ex over the next few days I realised I’d made a mistake – I’d hurt my ex by leaving her, then taken what should have been a casual and enjoyable affair with inamorata and turned it into a nightmare. This in and of itself was a mistake, but then it dawned on me – I was still punishing myself for actions I could not change. Understanding leads to acceptance, and maybe one day I will even be able to forgive myself all the pain and anguish that I’ve inflicted on those I love, but in the mean time I need to concentrate on what I want and need.
And so I’ve decided I’m going to see if my ex is willing to date me again, on the firm understanding that it will be more of a long-term ‘friends with benefits’ scenario than a prelude to us living together again. Inamorata was never going to be able to offer me what I need even if she did leave her husband, we’re too different and too volatile a couple to work in the conventional sense, but I hope she’ll accept that I need more affection and attention than she’s able to offer and that we can get back to being real friends again.

This decision was made easier today when I asked inamorata about her increasingly close friendship with another married man. I’d long known she was friends with him, but his name had been cropping up in conversation more often, and last night her usually open statements about where she was and who she was with were oddly evasive, so today I asked her outright if I was the only other man in her life. She didn’t deny she’s been messaging and meeting him, but I believed her when she told me I’m the only other man she’s sleeping with – how much longer that’s the case only time will tell…
The thought of inamorata taking a new lover hurts me, but if this guy can give her the uncomplicated romance she so obviously craves then I’m happy for her – she still means the world to me, but I can’t continue wasting my life on a dream that can never come true.

Learning the Game

My dads a huge Buddy Holly fan – he’s got all his music, we’ve been to Lubbock and taken the tour, and I grew up hearing his songs in the car and around the house.

Now I don’t know why, but last night the words to this song came into my head and I had to listen to it. It was strange hearing it again after so many years, and it brought back some happy memories of my mum and dad, but I felt like I really understood it for the first time as well….

Carpe Diem

Last week was pretty good for me.

After completing a course of CBT earlier in the month I started talk therapy sessions with a private councillor and, after a chat about my circumstances and what I wanted from the sessions, we identified a few key areas to explore in the future. The lady seems really nice and I feel safe and comfortable talking to her (after a good discussion about privacy and confidentiality) and I’m hoping that in the weeks to come talking to her will help me organise my thoughts and deal with a few of the daemons lurking in my psyche.

I also saw my ex again, albeit only briefly. It was nice to chat with her, but without being able to be 100% honest with her (for fear of exposing my affair with inamorata) its becoming increasingly difficult to keep the conversation positive and buoyant. I really wish she’d move on, she’s a great lass and deserves to be happy, but she seems determined to stay single forever now – a plan I understand in concept but one i still can’t agree with.

This week has also seen a lot of interesting turns in mine and inamoratas story. After a pretty good week at work we hit a bump on Friday when she mentioned my ex again, which lead at first to an argument but later morphed into something quite different. As we too’d and frow’d regarding both her relationship with her husband and what was my relationship with my ex I did manage to get a couple of straight answers of her – No, she’s not going to leave her husband, and Yes, she does miss what we had… So, after we both verbally reaffirmed our love and desire for each other, it seems like the affair may be back on – apparently her marriage doesn’t need fixing, it is what it is, but she’s happy to keep sleeping with me occasionally. She knows I’m gonna start actively looking for a new girlfriend soon enough, a point she’s willing to deal with as and when it happens, but until then she sees no problem in seeing me on the side…

It’s an odd solution to an impossible situation, but its just so crazy it may work.

Inamorata

I’d ask her if she’d ever leave her husband, but know I’ll never get a straight Yes or No answer, even though the ambiguity drives me crazy.

I’d like to reduce contact and try being just friends, but this seems unlikely as we work together, and finding another decent full-time job is looking all but impossible.

I’d jack everything in and just move away, but I’ve no (publicly plausible) reason to do so, and my family would worry and ask questions I couldn’t answer.

I’d even consider dating me ex again but feel I can’t without being totally honest with her – something I can’t do without revealing my affair with inamorata.

So it looks like I’m stuck living a lonely lie of a life. Well done me, you’ve really fucked it all up this time.

‘Want’ hurts

Today was a day of weakness for inamorata, or, as she would call it, “a fun day”..

It all started innocently enough, we met at work as usual and went for a smoke out back, and it wasn’t until she noticed that I had my hand in my pants (a bad habit, but its something I’ve always done) that the ‘fun’ really started. She slipped her had into her own pants in mockery of me, but the feel of her own soft skin soon set her fingers moving of their own accord. I chided her suitably, it not being fair that she stand there and play with herself so openly I thought, but as usual she laughed it off. By the time we’d finished our cigarettes she’d obviously got herself a little worked up, and as we spoke in the office later she started again – her hand sliding down the front of her trousers, fingers unmistakably moving beneath tight cloth, her smile growing as she watched me grin in obvious desire.

I’d like to say we had sex, but we didn’t (this time) – she licked her fingers clean as I walked over to sit on the desk next to her, and as I lent in to whisper in her ear she turned and kissed me, the sort of powerful, passionate kiss we haven’t shared since our last night together.

The rest of the day went well, inamorata later apologised for her ‘weakness’ (after a playful ribbing from me about ‘no mixed messages’ or ‘leading me on’) and we ended the day in high spirits, but without ever being able to get a definate answer out of her as to what’s going on between us I’m still left in limbo..

Moments of Strength and Moments of Weakness

Inamorata and I had a fantastic text chat the other day; deep, honest yet still light-hearted. She was at one of the many locations where our ‘paths had crossed’ in the past and was thinking back over ‘the good old days’, and in an uncharacteristic display of sentimentality let me into her thoughts.

It was amazing for me to hear she remembered the time we had with such fondness, and in that alluring round-about way of hers she hinted she wanted it to happen again. Of course I was overjoyed to hear this, but seeing as we were / are still on the road to rebuilding the friendship we had before the affair I had to stop her there. I told her the truth, I’d happily sleep with her any time, but she’d called an end to ‘us’ as she wanted to concentrate on sorting out her marriage. Since she decided we had to stop I’d told several times that if she ever came knocking at my door (after leaving her husband) that I wanted her only regret to be that she tried as hard as she could to salvage her marriage, and I reminded her of this again. She took this well, and apologised for her ‘blip’, which got me thinking…

Most days we’ll both be strong, and that’s good.
Some days one of us will weaken, but the other will hold true.
And maybe, just maybe, one day we’ll both be weak, and whatever happens happens……