She wants me and I want her.
I need to let go and move on.
She needs to step back and concentrate on sorting her marriage out.
And yet a (not so) innocent invite over to mine for a cuppa tea turns into an evening of passionate sex.
If I found someone else and moved on I think she could step back, but my hearts not in it right now.
If she were more contented in her marriage I think I could let go eventually, but that’s out of her hands.
And so it goes round and around…..
Truth be told this isn’t my first blog..
I started my first blog a number of years ago so as I’d have somewhere to write about the depression and suicidal thoughts that have haunted me for the last couple of decades. It’s still there, and I still use it occasionally, but time and my circumstances have changed, so it remains largely a venting place for moments of dire need.
My second blog was set up to chronicle the affair that changed my life. Before the affair I was engaged to a lovely woman and lived (relatively) happily with her and her two children for a number of years, but as soon as I strayed I knew I couldn’t stay with my fiancée any more. It wasn’t the guilt at having cheated on her, or my love for another woman, that made me end the relationship and decide to sell the house we’d thought we’d eventually raise our own child in – it was coming to understand that I wasn’t who I thought I was anymore.
The real mistake that I made was letting my new lover read that blog. It was a stupid error, and nearly cost me everything, but we worked through it. Unfortunately in doing so I lost my safe place, the place where I could say what I wanted without fear of judgement or comeback, and that was a loss it seems I cannot bare.
All of which leads me to the here and now – I’ve set up this blog to give me a space to put into words some of the thoughts and feelings that I dare not voice. This blog isn’t designed for public consumption, its my therapy, a way for me to purge my soul of some of the darker truths that plague my being.
Welcome to my world; the joy, the misery, the pleasure and the pain. Settle back folks, this could be an interesting ride….