An open letter to Inamorata

Inamorata,

You lost someone very close to you recently, and after we talked through life, love and loss it came to me that I’ve done you a disservice. In a previous post I wrote that I thought you might be a sex addict, but I was wrong. You and I are so very different in so many ways, and whilst you may be an open book in terms of your moods, you keep your emotions buttoned down tight.

So, inamorata, I’m sorry – I suspect you wouldn’t take too much offence at my mislabeling of you (in fact i reckon you’d probably laugh at it if I told you), but I think I know better now. You don’t just want me for sex, you probably want the cuddles and kisses just as much as I do, but you stop yourself from taking all you want to protect yourself and others. We are tangled up in something that seems unwinnable yet inescapable, we found the right person at the wrong time, and now must live with a love that cannot be.

You helped me grow in so many ways since we first fell into each others lives. In the numerous rounds of breaking down and rebuilding myself I’ve taken a few of your better qualities and lost a couple of my less desirable ones – you’ve taught me to deal with problems head on and not to let emotional wounds fester, you’ve brought out my adventurous spirit and renewed my lust for life, and through this I’ve learned to let go of the past and live afresh. Before we split my father told me it was my ex who had made me a man, and he was right, but it is you who have made me the man I am today, a better man than I was before I met you, a man capable of living a life worth living.
My only regret is that I won’t get to live that life with you as my lover and my partner, but the memories we made will always make me smile, and I give thanks that I will always have a true friend in you.

With all my love,

The Other Man

Out of the blue

Sunday evening I come home from work, have a beer, cook myself dinner, have another beer and start to sort my laundry – a fairly standard evening. Then the phone rings and its inamorata saying she’s a little bit tipsy and about to head out drinking with a mutual friend of ours and I should come along, so if course 10 minutes later I’m dressed and out the door heading into town.

To cut a long story short I get fairly drunk, inamorata got seriously drunk, and we end up staying the night at our mutual friends house – que some quizzical looks from him as she tells him its fine that were gonna share a bed as her husband is at home with the dog.!.
The enforced silence did make sex a little less fantastic than usual, as although she rarely makes any noise during the act (due to many years of having to share a house with her rather draconian mother) apparently I do – not a fact I was ever really aware of before I met her, but one that Sunday night made me rather more conscious of!.
So Monday morning comes and we say our goodbyes to our friend and head off our separate ways, her to her husband, me to work, and I spend the day hung over but happy to have spent a great evening and an even better night with the woman I love.

But unfortunately it seems I can’t go on living my life being ‘friends with benefits’ to a married woman. A while ago when we spoke about me finding a new girlfriend she told me to “Hurry up and break my [her] heart”, but I don’t know if I can do it. Even after all the anguish and misery she’s put me through I still love her, and I really don’t want to hurt anyone else (or more than I already have in the case of inamorata and my ex-fiancée) in my quest for love and happiness, but I don’t know if I can carry on living this half life much longer – I deserve better than this.

Joyous heartbreak and resolve

Today was a better day at work, inamorata and I got on well enough for her to give me a heart-felt hug this afternoon, and in a lull we found ourselves working together alone, so I took my chance and asked her why she’d decided to call an end to the physical side if our relationship. Her answer was as honest and direct as ever –  she’d had a pretty good weekend away with her husband and wanted to concentrate on fixing up her marriage.
I can’t say I wasn’t gutted to hear it, but at the same time I felt a sort of odd happiness as she told me. She obviously loves her husband, and hopefully now we have some sort of closure she can finally direct all her energy towards making him understand she needs things to change between them.

Even before Monday nights argument I had decided that come the new year I will start looking for a new job. Seeing inamorata most days at work is hard on me, she’s a tough go-getting professional manager whereas I’m a sensitive, underachieving specialist – she’ll never change, and I’ll never stop being hurt. I don’t know if she’ll thank me for leaving, as on a good day we get on amazingly, but the way I see it we don’t need to work together to be friends, and I reckon a bit of space would do us both the world of good.

So, 2016 is looking like it may be a very interesting year for me – I’ve set myself a number of goals, some more easily achievable than others, and hopefully my house will sell early in the new year and I can really start afresh in a home I can truely call my own. I know it won’t be easy – I know me, and its rare that I ever make anything easy for myself – but I’m feeling positive; let’s just hope it holds.

A tough day at the office

Today was another uncomfortable day at work – inamorata and I barely spoke.
It was after work when we stopped in the carpark for a cigarette that it all kicked off again, another blazing row with all the same old arguments and accusations being tossed backwards and forwards. At one point I thought we had put it to bed, I said something that made her stop and smile, and I told her we should leave it there and walk away whilst the goings good. She laughed and said “No, I don’t want you to make me smile”, a comment she later took great pains to explain was ment as a flippant off-hand remark that I should have laughed off and walked away from, but me being me I took it literally.
So it started all over again, part way through which she threw a new allegation in my face – I’m bitter and angry that she hasn’t left her husband for me. That stung, but I replied as honestly as I could – I’m not angry at her for that, I’m angry at myself for taking a chance I knew probably wouldn’t work out.
I left my former fiancée homeless and heartbroken, I have to sell the family home my father gifted me because I can’t afford to keep it anymore, the only person i can talk honestly with about my problems is inamorata, I’m alone and miserable with Christmas only days away – all because I took a chance on her and lost. I think I have every right to hate myself.

Luckily writing this has had the cathartic effect I so dearly needed – the last few hours have seen me swing from indifferent to angry to joyous to distraught to sullen and suicidal and back to indifferent.
I made this mess, and I’ll live with it – I have no choice in the matter.
It’s the fact that my choices, and to a lesser extent who I am, have and continue to make those I love unhappy that really feeds the darkness at my core.

Do you believe in fate?.

I don’t….

I do however think it’s an amazing coincidence that on the very night our affair and possibly our friendship died, the stoneware pizza tray that inamorata gave me way back before our affair started, and which I’ve used regularly ever since, cracked and split almost exactly in half in the oven just now…..

Dead in the water

After last night’s argument inamorata and I met up at our usual spot this evening, and its pretty clear that the affair is over – she’s hurt and angry, as am I, and it seems that there may be no going back from this. Maybe we will salvage some sort of friendship, maybe we won’t, I’m not too fussed about it at the moment – were very different people with almost diametrically opposed views on how friends should act and what friendship entails. Maybe it’s just easier to cut our losses and leave it be.

There is one slight problem in doing that though, one that I’ve failed to mention in this blog because it caused so much trouble when inamorata read my last blog regarding our affair
– she also happens to be my manager at work.

Do as I say, not as I do…

Inamorata and I argued again tonight – she said something that she knew would anger me, I got angry and confronted her, and suddenly it’s my fault for taking things to heart or reading too much into ‘flippant’ comments. That I can accept – its all true..
What infuriates me is that she can point out my flaws, but goes nuts if I happen to mention I think it’s wrong that she can be say stuff that’s hurtful and I just have to accept it because she doesn’t think before she speaks and that’s just who she is and will never change!.

I’ve learned alot from her since I left my ex and embarked on this affair, but I don’t believe that learning from my mistakes is something only I need to do….

“We need to talk….”

Inamorata and I share a number of acquaintances from different social circles, but the one circle we move most frequently in decided that Thursday night would be the last pre-christmas get together and that we should all go out for a meal and drinks. This sounded good to me, I’d get to see inamorata out in a social setting, and there was always a chance that after a few drinks she’d end up back at mine as she’d done so many times after similar gatherings. Unfortunately, just before we were all due to meet up something rubbed her up the wrong way and I got caught in the cross-fire, meaning we spent what was still a pretty decent night out barely talking to one another.
Now I’m getting used to inamoratas moods, I know to leave her be and she’ll talk to me when she’s ready, but I hate the fact that she can swing from fun and loving to cold and scathing with barely any provocation sometimes, leaving me to wonder what, or even if, I’ve done anything wrong.

Luckily inamorata is away this weekend with her husband, which will hopefully help her decide exactly what’s going on in her life, because its fast coming the time I tell her “we need to talk“…
I love her to bits, and her friendship means the world to me, but I deserve better than this.
So I plan to propose we stay friends but try to put the sexual side of our relationship to one side – a plan we’ve agreed on and tried to implement several times in the past, but one I feel we may now have a chance of succeeding at. I’ve told her before (and will do so again) that if she ever does come knocking at my door (after having left her husband) that I want her only regret to be that she tried all she could to save her marriage, and I don’t believe she can do this whilst our affair still retains both emotional and sexual aspects.
Don’t get me wrong, my long dead morals haven’t suddenly returned – I’ll still sleep with her if she wants to, but it will be on a one night, all or nothing basis – my logic being that mistakes can and will happen, and its better to accept that fact now than see any future drunken misadventures as any kind of resumption of what we had.

So much has happened over the last 6 months, both for better and for worse, but with the new year rapidly approaching my resolve to make 2016 my year is hardening within me. I want more from life then my current situation can offer, and the only person who can change my situatation is me.

When life gives you lemons

Inamorata friend-zoned me the other night – luckily this time she was good enough to walk in my door and announce the fact, so there were no dashed expectations this time. I can’t say I blame her, she’s obviously tired from work and in fairly significant pain from some as yet undiagnosed back injury, so sex was probably the last thing on her mind at the time, but we’ve been getting on really well recently, with plenty of banter and desirous messages, so I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed.
So I cooked her dinner and we chatted before curling up on the sofa together, at which point the crappy soaps she watches on TV ended and she promptly fell asleep.

It was so good to lay there with her in my arms, and I’m not ashamed to say that whilst she snored softly I shed a tear or two knowing that soon enough she would wake up and have to leave. Yes I’m gutted I didn’t get more, hearing her breathing change as she drifted off reminded me of the the times we’ve made love (she barely makes a sound when we do), but being with her and yet not with her over these months has taught me to deal with triumph and failure far better then I ever have in the past.

When she awoke, we shared a hug and a kiss, and she went home, simple as that.
I got less than I hoped for, but more than I expected, and I’m happy with that.

A better me.?..

Am I a better me, or just a better liar?.

Since I left my ex and became embroiled with inamorata I’ve learned alot, and changed alot.
I think I’ve become more flexible in my outlook on life; I’ve learned to take the rough with the smooth, deal with problems rather than let them fester, and consequently the depression and suicidal thoughts that plagued my life have become easier to deal with.
I’ve also learned not to over invest in others; I’m  more self sufficient, both emotionally and psychologically, and feel better in myself for this.
And I’ve also learned to mask my innate reactions to certain situations; where once I would have been hurt by a comment or action I now ostensibly shrug it off, even if it does cut deep, and a feel my attitudes to life, love and loss are slowly changing too.
But I’ve also learned that what I think I want and what I really need are often subtlety different; physiological urges often outweigh psychological ones, and the ensuing moral conflict can be difficult to handle when one considers oneself a Gent but behaves like a rogue.

So to answer my own question; yes, I am a better me, but yes, I am a better liar. Maybe these changes are for the better, maybe not, but I feel better, so why worry.?..