Do I stay or do I go

I’ve been thinking alot about quitting my job recently and tonight’s ‘deep and meaningful’ conversation with Inamorata hasn’t helped matters – if it wasn’t for my father I’d probably enact my dreams of quitting life altogether, but that path just isn’t an option at the moment.

I still remember the moment my life changed forever like it was yesterday – after another day of being teased with comments like “all you have to do is loose your morals” I finally asked to meet Inamorata after work. Truth be told I’d wanted her since the day she stepped out of the elevator onto my floor, and, with my current relationship flagging due to my slow spiral into darkness, I wanted to know if she would back up her talk with action.

Eventually she did, and fate led me here – pondering whether I should keep on trying to make good on that fateful choice or throw caution to the wind and see where I end up again.

I’m still undecided, the hymns of resolve still warring with the insidious whispers in a too-and-frow mental conflict that’s as tiring as it is tiresome, but I have a feeling things will come to a head soon enough – I just hope I don’t do anything stupid again.


Nothing Hurts Quite Like Falling In Love With A Unicorn

I’ve experienced many kinds of pain in my life – physical injury, the loss of friends and family, falling in love and having my heart broken – but the pain I live with now transcends them all because of its fluid nature; it’s not one pain, an injury or loss, but a multitude of pains that flux and interweave with the depression and suicidal thoughts that have dogged me for half my adult life. It is the agony of uncertainty, of never knowing what the next day, hour or minute will bring. It is the torment of hope, of wanting what can never be, and of knowing that, but still being na├»ve enough to fool myself into thinking things might change.