Collision course

This morning I met up with inamorata for a chat which turned into a bit more – we had sex, but it was more of a casual ‘hi, how ya doing’ kinda hump rather than the long hot sweaty sessions we tend to fall into.

This evening I met up with my ex for a chat which turned into quite a bit more – we had sex, but it was more of a spontaneous ‘let’s fuck’ kinda fuck rather than the soft, intimate love making we used to have.

Obviously my ex will never know of my affair with inamorata, not only would it destroy her but there’s a good chance she’d destroy inamorata’s marriage too.
I’ll tell inamorata tomorrow that my ex and I did it tonight, but I’m not sure how she’ll take it. She’s a jelous woman with double standards that would put a politician to shame, but she did say today that this [us] needs to end.

I resisted inamorata’s less than subtle advances for 2 years before I cracked and we started our affair, and I left my ex less than a month after our fateful first (adulterous) encounter. I gave up everything for a chance with her I now know only existed in my hopes and dreams – she wants me but won’t leave him, but its OK for her to sleep with me behind her husbands back whilst I can’t ‘cheat’ on her.

If we were togeather and exclusive then I’d give her everything, but were not.

And what of my poor old ex?. I’ve tried to avoid piling any more hurt onto the mound I’ve already made her, but it seems I’m doomed to fail in this as well.

A couple of weeks ago inamorata told me ‘it is what it is’ when I asked her to clarify what was going on between us – I can only hope she’s as blasé tomorrow now that the shoe is on the other foot.

So I had an affair with a sex addict

I’ve been doing a bit of thinking over the last few days, and it seems I’ve got my sums backwards. I wanted to keep my ex as a sex toy and have inamorata for hugs and snuggles, but it seems like the fates have decided to laugh in my face yet again. Let me clarify :

Inamorata and I talked the other day, and, combined with what I know of her and her past, I think she may be a sex addict. Sure she loves me, and in her own way she wants what’s best for me (which may be as simple as getting the hell away from her), but when I told her that the sex is amazing but I want more than that, I want hugs and snuggles and all that soppy shit, she just didn’t get it. I love that her libido is off the charts, but I want more than just sex, I want deep emotional satisfaction.

My ex however is still kinda hung up on me I reckon. Our time together was amazing, and we explored a few ‘alternative’ practises, dabbling with a bit of bondage and D/s type stuff; stuff that I would have definatly have taken alot further if we didn’t have kids under our feet 24/7. So my idea was to re-boot our “relationship” as a kink orientated side project – she’d no doubt be willing to do pretty much anything I ask, and in return I’d give her the attention and affection she wants – win/win.

But it seems that whatever I do life decides to throw me a curve ball. The woman I want a deep and meaningful relationship with (who also happens to be married to someone else) just wants me for sex, whilst the woman I want for sex (my ex-fiancée) wants me back in a deep and meaningful relationship.

I guess I’m getting my just deserts after all….

Wednesdays have always been the best

The last few days have been amazing, last night especially..

It was like it was at the beginning, all passion, lust and greed, and I enjoyed every single minute of it. We made love half a dozen times over the last two days, which culminated in the most holy of holies, a night together in a real bed. It was beautiful to wake up next to her, like a dream come true, but some things are too good to last. I fear this was (yet another) last hoorah; that she, like I, wanted one last perfect memory of us before the sex ends.

Well, we got it – a night burned into my mind and my heart forever more.

If she wants the physicality to stop then I will play my part and restrain myself as best I can, but I will not stop telling her that she is beautiful, and though it may remain unsaid, I will never stop loving her.

Back to square one

I told inamorata that I slept with my ex today – she took it better than I could have hoped, no drama and no attitude. She did seem a little put out, but then even when I was with my ex she didn’t like the idea of being the ‘other woman’ in my life.
I am however worried how this bodes for ‘us’. She means the world to me, and the idea of hurting her, even if it is the spur she needs to finally put me out of her head and get back to concentrating on the man she married, makes me feel awful. I know that sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, but in the past its always been me on the receiving end, and the thought of bringing pain in the life of yet another person I care for does leave me wondering if the world would be a better place without me.

Out of the frying pan

Today has seen things go from good to complex in a most unexpected way.

Over the last few day my inamorata has swung back to passionate again, a situation I’m happy (if a little cautious) about – the smiles, cuddles and innuendo are back, along with subtle (and a few not so subtle) hints that a tumble between the sheets might be in order some time.
This, in and of itself, makes me smile – I’m happy to be her friend, but friends with benefits would be a bonus.

The complicating factor is my ex-fiancée. We talked about being friends with benefits a while ago, and I told her that as long as she understood that it doesn’t equate to a resumption of our previous relationship I was happy to go ahead with it. Well, she apparently decided she was happy with it, and after coming over for coffee and a chat today made it blindingly obvious that she wanted the benefits to commence forthwith, which they did..
It was great to be close to her again, we know each other so well, having shared a good portion of our lives together, that we just kinda picked up where we left off – unlike me she hasn’t had it since we split 4 or so months ago, so the hunger was high. We parted on friendly terms too, saying we must do this again sometime, although we both know our differing work schedules will make meetings such as today’s a rarity.

And so you see my dilemma…..

I’m gonna tell my adulterous inamorata what happened between me and my ex today – I hope she will be happy for me, and weather or not she ever wants to sleep with me again I’m pretty sure we will remain friends.
Obviously my ex can never know I slept with my lover, and it pains me to have to keep up the lie that broke us apart, but I will not see another life ruined because of me.

All in a dither

Today has been another hard day. My (ex) lover and I argued again, and she said she wished that this had never happened – and I agree.

Before we fell to lust we had a pretty solid friendship, we laughed and flirted and got on pretty well. After the affair started we obviously got closer, sharing much beyond just the physical, but as things soured and we drifted apart things became different, and difficult.

I know the physical side of our relationship is dead, but for some reason I’m lothe to let our friendship go the same way. Maybe this is just a brief up to counterbalance all the down in my life, but I feel calm and positive about life, and her, right now. All evening I’ve been struggling to find the right words to tell her that I want us to leave the hurt behind and move on, but, knowing her as I do, I’m afraid to say anything.

I hope we can patch things in the next few days, I miss the old us…

Oh fickle fate

Things have become rather uncomfortable between me and my former inamorata of late, whilst, conversely, it looks like my former fiancée may be slowly coming to terms with our break-up.

I did ask for clarification as to where we stood from my ex-lover, but she replied simply “it is what it is”, not really an answer in my books, but her aloof and quarrelsome attitude has left me wondering if she fears I will expose her infidelity. I’ve told her several times that I’d take our dirty little secret to the grave, but in the darkest depths of depression and self-loathing its hard to ignore that tiny voice that whispers that it would be only right and beautiful to bring her world crashing down to nothing before I end my own.

Things with my ex-lover however seem to be on the up and up. We managed coffee and conversation the other afternoon without too many dramas, and although I feel rotten for misleading her about not sleeping with anyone else (she knows and has met the other woman in my life, just as I have met and am relatively friendly with my adulterous ‘friends’ husband), some lies simply can’t be untold. I hope in time she and i can become friends again (although I’m starting to worry that ‘friends’ are more hassle than there worth, and what I really need is a new woman and a clean slate), and I know things will never be as they were, but she is a pure soul, and as corrupted and debase as I am, I would not see her fall as I have.

Lessons learned

Or not as the case may be….

In the past I’ve posted on the cycles of infatuation I’ve noticed in myself. Mostly they’ve been hobby based, I’ll pick up a new interest, it will consume every spare moment of thought I have, but before I ever really get anywhere with it something new will come along and the process will start all over again.

This morning though I had a rather more worrying thought – what if my brief but intense spells of obsessive zeal extended not only to peripheral interests, but to the people who share my life too?.

Friends have come and gone, girlfriends too, and looking back I can see clear parallels between the two, the cycle of infactuation followed by sudden disinterest as a new ‘most import thing’ drops into my life being worryingly similar.

Is this a symptom of a hitherto unnoticed fear of loss?. Am I so scarred by a fear of loosing those around me that I instead push them away in a subconscious effort to spare myself the pain of their leaving?.

Has she inadvertantly allowed me to understand this cycle by forcing me to deal with the fact that we aren’t togeather any more (not romantically or sexually in any case), but still remain friends?.

I’ve always known I am my own worst enemy, but the idea that I may well be inadvertently sabotaging my own love life as well as everything else is pretty fucking worrying!