The longest journeys……

It started with an innocent picture message I shared with a group of friends (that includes Inamorata) and ended with us having our first proper conversation in a long time.

We chatted about work initially, then my upcoming holiday, and finally onto more personal (if vague) allusions to our situation and past. I told her I was having difficulties letting go of old ideas and moving on, she replied that she was having similar issues. We danced around the subject a bit, both agreeing that her promotion was the best thing that could have happened for the both of us, before she ended with inferences that whilst her willpower and commitment remain strong alcohol does tend to interfere somewhat.

Although infuriatingly ambiguous as her comments almost always are it was nice to know that I wasn’t the only one wrestling with conflicting emotions. With the prospect of at least a couple of months ahead of us in which we won’t be forced together by work I’m quietly optimistic that there is now at least a small chance we may be able to salvage something of our former friendship. The acid test will no doubt be if and when we finally face each other in person, but until then its just nice to be able to have a semi-normal conversation with the woman I can’t stop myself from loving.

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The Addict

Hot
Cold
Trembling
Body aching
Mind screaming
Withdrawal

Physically healing
Emotionally shattered
Mentally?.
Mentally riven

Surviving
One day
One hour
One breath at a time
The pain fading
The truth unknown
Reality in flux

Decisions
Distractions
Lies

Breathe in, new life
Breathe out, her name

Looking forward

After a day swapping ideas and innuendoes with Kitten I left work feeling decidedly more upbeat than I was yesterday. Somewhere along the way I decided that a week away with someone I don’t love but can enjoy a bit of company and intimacy with definatly trumps the slim chance of a conversation with the woman I love but can never have.
So there it is, decision made, Kitten and I are on for a great time.

It wasn’t until I got home and walked through the door of my empty house that an old friend made its presence known –
the weekend slump.

I think I’ve been doing pretty well, Inamoratas leaving has given me the possibility of a new life, my new routine is building momentum, its just the new addiction that I’m missing – something to distract me from the non-event that is my life.
With Inamorata gone the joy is slowly seeping back into my work life (although I do worry what will happen if she returns once her 3 months is up – it would be just my luck that life would give me a glimpse of happiness only to tear it away again), and I’ve got a few things in the pipework to keep me occupied during the week, but I’ve always suffered at weekends. Without  something to channel my energy into the darkness that still lives at the edges of my consciousness starts to encroach again, and that spiral only ever leads down.

I’m thinking some sort of voluntary work might be a good idea (its how my parents originally met incidentally) and whilst I hold no hope of finding love I do find the idea of helping others (whilst also helping myself) rather appealing

Torn

For the last week or so Kitten (an old squeeze / FB) and I have been planning a trip away together, something I’d been looking forward to until a poster went up in the coffee room at work today announcing Inamoratas leaving do and a planned night on the town. The leaving do is the night Kitten wants to come down to mine (a couple of days before we fly out) and the night out is the day I’m due to fly back.

There’s a chance I could still make the leaving do, it’s just a midweek meal with the team so no late night shenanigans, but the night out will be an event for sure, and one I’d rather not miss.

Hence I’m torn – I can either try and arrange things so that I can make one or maybe both of the events and possibly alienate Kitten, or I can not go and try to enjoy my holiday knowing I’m missing out on a chance to see Inamorata…

I hate that in the time it took me to read half a dozen lines and check the dates in my head my enthusiasm for this holiday has plummeted

Words left Unspoken – So, Your Leaving…

Hey,

The last few months haven’t been easy for me, but I just wanted you to know that even though everything has changed, nothing has changed – I’m still the same selfish, lazy, overly emotional fuck-up that I was, and I still love you – I’ve just learned to hide it a little better.

I’m sorry about the way things have gone – you said you needed to break things off between us and concentrate on your marriage, and as much as it hurt me I wanted to help you do that. Every day I’ve wanted to tell you how I feel, but every day I’ve stopped myself because strong as I am now I don’t know if I’ll ever be strong enough to be just your friend.

I’m slowly letting go but it’s not easy, since that first walk by the river (and for¬† a few months even before that) you’ve been all I wanted. So many times you’ve told me I deserve more, and I do, but all I want is the one thing I can’t have. Hopefully time apart wil give me the headspace I need to start healing my wounds.

Good luck with your new posting beautiful, LYB x

Deus Ex Machina

A little after lunch Inamorata called me and one of the interns into her office. We filed in, sat down and she announced she’s off.
I was a little shocked obviously, but she continued by saying a position had opened up as section manager in one of our sister sections, and that after discussion with the department chief she was transferring as of Wednesday.

Can you imagine my reaction?.

Processing it all hasn’t been easy, but the long and short of it is that as of Wednesday she’s no longer my boss, we won’t have to interact – hell, she won’t even be working on the same floor as me!.
Halle-fucking-lujah.!!.

It’s only a 3 month temporary reassignment (with the option to extend if things go well) but it gives me space to breathe, sort my shit out and maybe even start moving on with my life.

You might not always get what you want, but I sure as hell am grateful for this

So like his mother

I had dinner with my dad recently, and as the night went on and the beers kept coming he let slip another of his amazing truth-bombs – he was still sleeping with other women even after I was born.

This came as a surprise to me, I had some idea that they might have indulged in a bit of swinging during the 70’s but always assumed it stopped when I was born.
Apparently it did, but only for my mum.

Initially I was a little shocked – was my dad really admitting to me that he’d slept with numerous other women whilst I was young?
As the conversation went on it turned out that Yes, that was exactly what he was doing – and my mum knew about it all along.

I don’t mind, he’ll always come back to me is the phrase she apparently used, the ambiguity of which got me thinking. Whilst not exactly condoning his actions those words are far from accusatory, and speak to me of a love that transcends the modern monogomistic view of marriage.
That my parents loved each other isn’t in doubt in my mind.

The thing that kept me quiet throughout ‚Äčthis conversation was Inamorata. I know she’s never be faithful to any one of her long term partners, and whilst at the beginning love and lust blinded me to this uncomfortable truth, eventually I came to realise that’s just who she is, and that if we ever did end up togeather I should be prepared for it.
So, even before I knew about my father’s dalliances, I was willing to cut the same deal with Inamorata – if you wanna go have fun then do it, as long as I get to do the same.

And that’s where I think it would fall apart for Inamorata and I – she’d go out, get drunk and sleep with whichever guy caught her eye, but I don’t believe she could handle me doing the same.

It hurts when you realise that you love someone more than they love you. My parents were lucky in that they found a way to make it work, whereas I reckon I’m unlucky as even if I ever did get the chance, I doubt it ever would pan out.

It would have been nice to find out for sure one way or the other tho

Loosing my Religion

I always used to know who I was. I was the lost child, the one born out of time, the quiet, tortured, died too young one.

But right now I’m not so sure.

Certainty was my sword and my shield. I knew from a young age that I was never destained for anything other than a short miserable life, not because I felt I didn’t deserve it, more because I felt it was pre-ordained. That was my destiny.

Don’t get me wrong, that feeling still remains, all the events in my life leading to upto now point to this being true, but I do find myself questioning fate occasionally.

A small part of me wants a ‘normal’ life, to settle down and have a wife and kids etc etc, but the larger, darker, part laughs – why fight it, why put anyone else through what you’ve out your ex and her children through, why waste your time on dreams that will never come true.

I think of her a thousand times every day, she’s a subcurrent in my psyche, a dream that binds me to and yet separates me from reality.

I am fractured, a lost soul, floating in a void where even deaths sweet song no longer soothes me

Vegetative State

I feel like I’ve been living in limbo for the last few weeks – I go to work, come home, watch TV and go to bed – a nice safe routine, but one that’s ultimately unsatisfying.

I guess my latest addition, tv box sets, is partly to blame. It’s so easy to settle down for a few hours of an evening and immerse yourself in a well scripted series – the days and weeks just end up slipping by and all you have to show for it is crumbs on the carpet and a comfortable dent in the sofa.

Whilst not as bad as drugs or alcohol, box sets are my new escape from reality.

But climbing into bed tonight I felt the emptiness, that gap where happiness, companionship, a life should be, and it hurt me.

For all my talk of turning my life around I’m still smoking enough to make a future without cancer or serious heart disease unlikely, and it makes me wonder – what do I really want?.

I’d like to meet someone, to share my passions and to live my life to the full, but my actions suggest I’m just waiting for an end that’s already been too slow and too painful in coming.

I guess positively has abandoned me for this evening at least – no biggie there, life can’t be all rainbows and unicorns. Maybe it’ll be back tomorrow, maybe not, only time will tell