A glimpse of the old me

Inamorata popped in to my work today, whatever official errand she was on an obvious excuise to see old friends and catch up on company and personal gossip.

It’s almost as if I felt her step out of the lift and onto the floor, and I had to glance up as she strode majestically to the section chiefs office. It’s not that she looked amazing, she always looks good, that sent me back all those years, it was the aura she exuded, that mix of sex and power she’s always had that’s only been refined since her ascension.

In the hour or so she was in the office it all came flooding back to me – the pleasure and the pain, the elation and the frustration, the loving and the loathing.
She detoured around the floor to say hi to a few of us, and we exchanged a few words as she passed my desk, but by that time I had sunk back into the old me, weighing up avenues of escape and thinking the unthinkable.

It took me a good few hours to deal with the whirlwind of negative emotions seeing her in that setting unleashed on me. I don’t know why my mind always turns to dark places but it does, and whilst fighting yourself gets easier with practice it’s still hideously tiring. I’m past it now, set once again on my path that leads who knows where, but that germ of darkness remains. I glimpsed a part of the old me today, and, whilst its methods are extreme and its outcome deplorable, I cannot deny its allure

Conflict of Self

It is what it is is a phrase I’ve heard bandied about by numerous people over the years, and whilst I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with potentiality and ambiguity that’s not my natural state. By nature I am an ordered individual, methodical in approach and comfortable with routine. Where others casually trot out it is what it is I think to myself it is what you make it, or, maybe more accurately, it is what you allow it to be.

Inamorata may well be an avatar of ambiguity, but applying my counterpoint to her oft used retort lead me to realise that, trapped as she is by social convention and family concerns, she is also ruthless in getting what she wants, and if she really wanted more from me she would have taken it by now.
Maybe therein lays the crux of my problem, she knows I would do anything for her so I’m no challenge anymore, but I prefer to think not. My intuition tells me that whilst the pinnacles our passion can reach are breathtaking, she cares for me more in a platonic way, choosing to ease me away into the arms of another woman even as she eases herself back into the routines and privations of her own marriage.

To which end things are coming along well with Kandi, not too quick but not too slowly either, so I’m happy to see where it leads. As I told Inamorata when she asked about my new romance it’s not what I want, but something is better than nothing. Maybe I will learn to love Kandi in time but I suspect not – I’ve already had the internal back and forth arguments as to weather I should press on with this relationship or abandon it in the hope of finding someone who sets my soul aflame, but I’ve decided to settle back and enjoy this journey for what it is, a distraction. I feel bad for Kandi as she will never know why I can’t love her with all my heart, but I’ve made the first step in moving on and now will see this through.

Maybe one day I’ll even stop waiting for the impossible to happen

Poles apart

Kandi :
My dinner date with Kandi on Saturday night went pretty well – we ate, watched a couple of movies, talked like old friends and then made out like a couple of kids.. Things probably would have gone further (she was planning to stay the night) but she forgot to bring her contraceptive pill (she takes them each evening rather than in the mornings) so we fooled around on the sofa a bit untill midnight and then I dropped her home again. Whilst possibly not classically beautiful (the words cherubic and Rubenesque spring to mind) she’s easy to talk to and will hopefully prove to be a suitably voracious lover.

Inamorata :
With her new posting soon to be confirmed as a perminant position things between us are looking up. Whilst the heat has been turned down a bit since our last ‘encounter’ we still swap the odd message. At first I took her reluctance to hug as a sign of diminishing interest, but then I remembered where our hugs so often lead (especially when we’re alone together) and I realised she’s probably trying to hold herself back so as not to ‘distract’ me from my burgeoning relationship with Kandi. Everyday I want to message her and tell her what I’m thinking and how I feel about her, but each time I stop myself because I’m not sure she wants to be reminded that she has two men in her life that love her dearly, and neither of them will ever make her truely happy

Man plans, fate laughs

I went out for coffee with Inamorata at lunch again today. We seem to be back in a ‘just friends’ phase (possibly because she doesn’t want to interfere with my burgeoning relationship with Kandi), but as we spoke of life and love she told me that she’d recently laid out to her husband, in no uncertain terms, her reasons for feeling why their relationship was pointless. I asked if she thought this would sort anything and she replied that he would change, but as time rolled on he’d slip back into his old habits and things would end up just the way they always had been.

It’s odd, but I really do hope she manages to find a way to close the slowly growing gap between her and her man, partly because I love her and I want to see her truely happy with the man she loves above all others; partly because if she were to fall head over heels in love with him again, painful as it may be, it might help me to finally let go and move on; but also because the idea of eventually getting what I’ve wanted for so long, a chance to be in a ‘real’ relationship with her, scares the hell out of me.

But the choice is still not mine to make – whatever will be will be… I’m slowly coming to believe her when she says we’d never make it as a couple, but if the time ever comes where we do have the chance to try then maybe it will be a good thing – either it will work or it won’t – and either way at least I’ll get closure of one kind or another

Searching without hope

I went out on a date with a girl last night. Kandi seems nice enough, we’ve been chatting via a dating app for a couple of weeks now, and although she’s rather short and a little plump there’s something about her I rather like. We’ve a second date tomorrow, and if all goes well I imagine we may well end up seeing a fair bit more of each other..

And therein lays my dilemma : I date women to distract myself from my feelings for Inamorata, but, because I have no real love for them, they usually end up getting hurt. I don’t enjoy this aspect of dating, but without trying how am I ever going to meet anyone?.

With each new consort I learn something new about myself, but I feel as if I’m playing a game. I move up the levels, gaining experience, but in the end it’s all rather pointless – the one thing I want is unobtainable.

Time will tell just how far and in which direction this latest escapade will go, but I do wonder what’s the point of looking for love when your hearts already lost

Booty Called

I knew Inamorata was rather unhappy at her husband for delaying his flight home from Barcelona or Bonn or wherever the hell he’d been that week, but I never expected this…..

Friday night I was sat in front of the TV when Inamorata messaged me – she’d just got home from dinner and drinks out with friends and was obviously in the mood for more, and she was far from shy about letting me know it.

One taxi ride later she was sat in my lounge sharing a bottle of wine and a few home truths. Inamorata can be blunt but luckily alcohol softens her somewhat, loosening the tight self control. We talked again of life and love, and, after she told me in no uncertain terms that there was no way in hell we’d ever make it as a couple, she leaned over and kissed me.

The sex was amazing, and afterwards she fell asleep in my arms, the soft murmur of her breath music to my ears.

We awoke early, and after round 2 I dropped her off at the end of her road.

I hope that I’m not just gonna be that guy she calls after one too many to drink, but time will tell. I’ve never been someone’s booty call before, but it sure as hell beats loving her from afar

Supplicant

I want her; she knows it, and I know I’ll never get it.

She wants me, but more than that she wants her husband.

Something inside me makes me think that in a way she wants her husband to be a little bit more like me.
But then she wouldn’t get the illicit thrill that comes with our affair.

She called it an infactuation – I see it as me loving her with all that I am because that’s who I am.

She’d complex; a riddle wrapped in an enigma; sharp tongued, blunt worded, capricious, voracious, hypocritical, indefatigable.

She wants to be wanted. I provide that.
I just wish it didn’t hurt so much in the process

Deep & Meaningful

Inamorata and I had dinner again tonight – it’s looking like this could become a regular thing again – but I knew from the moment she walked in the door that I wasn’t gonna get lucky this time.

So we chatted about the usual; work, TV, holiday plans and our respective love lives, but it wasn’t until she he’d decided she was leaving that the actual conversation occured.
We’d talked a little earlier in the evening about our differing wants and needs from the significant others in our lives, and as she made her way to the door an offhand double entendre from me about making her happy lead to a brief but remarkably honest appraisal of our situation – in essence she told me I was a pleaser, and as such destined to be eternally unhappy (in terms of us) as she doesn’t want to be pleased. The conversation ended with her bluntly admitting that, in her own way, she’s just as fucked up as me (which, if I’m honest, I’d known for a long time; its just one of the flaws that makes her so irresistible to me).

After a slightly lackluster hug I was happy to watch her leave, content as I was to have been allowed to peek a little deeper into the workings of her mind, but for once it was her who turned and moved to kiss me. As ever it was far too brief, and she was halfway out the door before she finally turned and told me that if it wasn’t for her pounding headache tonight could have gone rather differently, the sparkle in her eyes and grin of pure mischievousness leaving me in no doubt that whilst on the surface we are just good friends a fire still burns down below

She’s the one to beat

I’m now sure that if another woman can claim my heart for her own then Inamorata won’t stand in her way. She loves me and wants to see me happy (although she unashamedly revels in the attention and affection I lavish on her) but she knows she can never give me what I truely want. As careful as I am to hide it she understands that for all my bluff and bluster I’d drop anything for her and, in its way, I think this knowledge weighs on her.

In conversation today I was upfront – I can live with diminished affection between us if that’s what she believes is best, but its not what I want, nor do I believe it’s what she wants. She sees herself as standing between me and happiness with someone else, and in a way she does, but she’s also the measure that they must surpass. It may be an impossible task, but if another woman can consume my attention to the point that I no longer crave Inamoratas affections as I do now then the spell will have been broken. I’m not entirely sure the new girl I’ve been chatting to recently will pass this test, but its early days. All I know is that when I love it is with all that I am and all that I have, and such love does not bare division.

Inamorata owns me, body mind and soul, but for how long?….

Recurrent themes

Is anyone else as bored as I am of hearing me regurgitate the same old problems endlessly?.

Days off should be a highlight of my week, not a chore to be endured, but I inevitably spend the evening before drunk, trying to avoid the whirling cram of emotions, and the day itself almost always ends up being a let down, leaving me ample time to wallow in the bitter-sweet regret of another day wasted.

I was supposed to go out last night but I didn’t fancy drinking alone amongst all the happy people. Luckily a chance message on one of the dating apps I use turned into a rambling conversation with a girl who seems both interesting and interested, so we’ll see where that goes.

It’s hard to be genuinely focused on someone else when your heart isn’t in it tho, and I often feel like I’m just setting up whomever I chat to to be disappointed. I could insert essays here on the pain and heartache caused by loving the wrong woman, but if you’ve read any of my previous posts you’ll get the rough idea.

The twin urges to both distance and distract myself from she who rules my heart are slowly crystallising in my conscience, but depression and it’s good friend apathy are expert in flouting such plans as may emerge.

Have I really resigned myself to a life of living off the scraps of her attention whilst waiting for my father’s inevitable end to leave me free to seek solace in self destruction?. Possibly…

Can I really turn my life around and live out my days happy with someone who is not her?. Who knows…

I could live forever at war with myself – I’ve managed it passably for the last 20 years at least – but its not really living, its existing at best, enduring a life I barely feel