Tug’O’War

With Inamorata returned I feel an increased intensity of emotions, and, infuriatingly illogically, they are predictably contradictory.

The conversations we’ve had since she got back have been the old blend of easy friendship with an undercurrent of sexual availability, rambaling talk about work and her holiday occasionally interspersed with allusions to further romantic encounters. These have of course piqued my interest as well as heightening my desire – the vividly anatomical descriptions of her tan lines a transparent (and successful) effort on her part to stoke the embers of my lust. But as ever these insinuations are masterfully vague, her talent for suggestive language seeding the idea whilst never naming the act, allowing her the thrill of provocation whilst still retaining the comfort of ambiguity.

Yet even as she lures me closer she feeds my urge to sever the tie.

Inamorata embodys the divergent extremes of my desires, an avatar of conflicting emotions. As I am drawn to her so am I repulsed, my objective mind trying to cut through the obfuscation and live in the now whilst my emotional self is constantly drawn back to the infinite web of possibilities, the dream forever just beyond reach.

As this battle rages in my mind two words keep resurfacing, skirting my consciousness, too harsh to consider but too sane to ignore. No Contact. I lothe their cold finality but their allure is undeniable.

Patience has ever been one of my few redeeming virtues, and so it is with a view to clearer understanding that I resign myself once more to wait upon what the future brings. I hold no hope for definitive answers or insights, the nebulous nature of us precluding such niceties, but aim instead to see where external social as well as internal emotional currents may lead. Curiosity drives me on, but self preservation is catching up

Fate awaits

With the moontime party in her pants having eased off for another month or so things between Inamorata and I have simmered down a bit too. Fresh corporate upheaval means our conversations are now more work focused and whilst there’s still an undercurrent of sexual playfulness I can tell her heart’s not really in it. The topic of her and her husband hasn’t come up recently either but I know she’s flying out with him to Antigua or Mauritius or some other sun-drenched paradise for a fortnight’s lounging on the beaches so I suspect she’ll use this time with him to decide if she wants to recommit to her marriage or reignite her dalliance with me.

Lately I’ve found myself repeating a fantastic Mark Twain quote – Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option – innumerable times each day, often with the addendum ‘she’s not your priority, you are’. It’s odd that Me First feels like the wrong way to proceed, but so far it’s results have been positive so I guess I’ll see where it goes

And breathe….

Inamoratas away at a conference next week, which is a blessing for me as this weeks been pretty tough at work. 
She’s still not happy with me for whatever reason (pointing out a couple of errors she made to an intern probably hasn’t helped, but the business comes first) and whilst I know I’m only getting as good as I gave its starting to get under my skin now, so I’ve set myself a deadline. Come April 1st if things haven’t improved I’m gonna call her out – sure I deserve this, and I’m taking it with all the grace I can, but I won’t take it forever…