Conflict of Self

It is what it is is a phrase I’ve heard bandied about by numerous people over the years, and whilst I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with potentiality and ambiguity that’s not my natural state. By nature I am an ordered individual, methodical in approach and comfortable with routine. Where others casually trot out it is what it is I think to myself it is what you make it, or, maybe more accurately, it is what you allow it to be.

Inamorata may well be an avatar of ambiguity, but applying my counterpoint to her oft used retort lead me to realise that, trapped as she is by social convention and family concerns, she is also ruthless in getting what she wants, and if she really wanted more from me she would have taken it by now.
Maybe therein lays the crux of my problem, she knows I would do anything for her so I’m no challenge anymore, but I prefer to think not. My intuition tells me that whilst the pinnacles our passion can reach are breathtaking, she cares for me more in a platonic way, choosing to ease me away into the arms of another woman even as she eases herself back into the routines and privations of her own marriage.

To which end things are coming along well with Kandi, not too quick but not too slowly either, so I’m happy to see where it leads. As I told Inamorata when she asked about my new romance it’s not what I want, but something is better than nothing. Maybe I will learn to love Kandi in time but I suspect not – I’ve already had the internal back and forth arguments as to weather I should press on with this relationship or abandon it in the hope of finding someone who sets my soul aflame, but I’ve decided to settle back and enjoy this journey for what it is, a distraction. I feel bad for Kandi as she will never know why I can’t love her with all my heart, but I’ve made the first step in moving on and now will see this through.

Maybe one day I’ll even stop waiting for the impossible to happen


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