Recurrent themes

Is anyone else as bored as I am of hearing me regurgitate the same old problems endlessly?.

Days off should be a highlight of my week, not a chore to be endured, but I inevitably spend the evening before drunk, trying to avoid the whirling cram of emotions, and the day itself almost always ends up being a let down, leaving me ample time to wallow in the bitter-sweet regret of another day wasted.

I was supposed to go out last night but I didn’t fancy drinking alone amongst all the happy people. Luckily a chance message on one of the dating apps I use turned into a rambling conversation with a girl who seems both interesting and interested, so we’ll see where that goes.

It’s hard to be genuinely focused on someone else when your heart isn’t in it tho, and I often feel like I’m just setting up whomever I chat to to be disappointed. I could insert essays here on the pain and heartache caused by loving the wrong woman, but if you’ve read any of my previous posts you’ll get the rough idea.

The twin urges to both distance and distract myself from she who rules my heart are slowly crystallising in my conscience, but depression and it’s good friend apathy are expert in flouting such plans as may emerge.

Have I really resigned myself to a life of living off the scraps of her attention whilst waiting for my father’s inevitable end to leave me free to seek solace in self destruction?. Possibly…

Can I really turn my life around and live out my days happy with someone who is not her?. Who knows…

I could live forever at war with myself – I’ve managed it passably for the last 20 years at least – but its not really living, its existing at best, enduring a life I barely feel


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